The more I understand my true self the more I realize how complicated we make our lives. Those complications come from the way false self runs our lives. The next few posts will look at some ways to understand why we have chosen to complicate our lives. We will also learn how to begin to eliminate those complications from our lives.
False self does not want to be different
We have examined many aspects of how false self operates on this site. One that we have touched on but did not explain in depth is that false self does not really want to be different.
In our previous summary of false self we heard about how false self is based entirely in fear. Because it is so fearful one of its strong desires is to not appear different from those around it. This means it wants to think like everyone else, have the same possessions as everyone else, and have the same relationships as everyone else.
Today we will start to look at how those fears create a complicated life.
Let’s start with the idea of relationships. In this we are talking about all relationships from our intimate personal relationships to our short-lived social acquaintances.
False self wants to be accepted by other people. False self is afraid of being rejected because that would invalidate its self image. We looked at this in more depth in previous posts about false self attachments to people.
Most of the time false self wants to have other people around. It is willing to put up with a lot of crap from those people because it wants very badly to be accepted. For this reason, many times false self keeps in contact with other people just so it will not have to feel rejected.
Too many people can complicate our life
Some false selves develop to be basically antisocial. They do not have to worry about too many people in their lives because they drive everyone out. As in all things, there is a balance. An individual with a false self like this needs to learn the balance of having no one in their life versus having the appropriate people in their lives.
Today we are hearing about individuals who have a false self with the opposite problem of balance. They have too many people in their lives and have made that life overly complicated. They need to learn the balance of having too many people in their lives versus having the appropriate people in their lives.
Because false self wants to hang on to people, we tend to collect people in our lives. Over time this collection can take so much energy to maintain that we are not able to concentrate on what we really need to do. We are constantly tripping over people that we recognize are not helping us to reach our goals, but we are “too nice” to move them out of our lives.
Many times we have allowed the false selves of these people to hang on to us for their support. Now besides having our own false self issues to deal with we are taking on their false self issues. We think we “have to help” or we are not being nice. Because false self is afraid to lose someone from its circle of acquaintances it can take a long time to realize that we are indulging, not helping the other individual.
So now we have a collection of people that are hanging on to us for support while we are barely able to support ourselves. What do we do?
True self wants those who are self supporting
For now we will look at some suggestions on how to deal with friends and acquaintances. We will look at how deal with complications of family in tomorrow’s post. Please submit a comment if you want to start to look at family issues now. We can start the discussion immediately.
True self knows that we have objectives for this life time. True self wants to help those around us whenever possible. True self also knows that there has to be a balance between helping someone and that person wanting to help themselves.
This can be a hard thing for false self to see objectively because false self does not want to lose people from its life. More people equates to being more liked. Why deliberately move people out of our life and have fewer people like us? Or at least so thinks the so called false self logic.
Take a look at where you are on this question. Are you keeping friends in your life that are not helping you towards your goals? Are there friends in your life that take much more than they give? Are there friends in your life that you wonder why you bother to maintain a friendship? Are there friends in your life that “need” you? Start to look at these friends like true self does.
True self looks at a friendship objectively. The first question is whether or not the friendship is beneficial for true self. If true self finds that there is a true caring, learning, mutual assistance relationship the question is a resounding yes.
If true self does not answer yes to this question then we look at whether or not we are able to help this person. This is a subtle question because the answer appears to be yes – we can always help someone. The subtle part of this question is does this person want to help themselves?
If someone does not want to help themselves then true self knows we are wasting our time. All we can do is wait until we see an opening that might enable this friend to see that they do not really want to help themselves. It is sad, but sometimes we must go about our business while others come to their understandings on their own.
The final analysis that true self makes is what to do with the relationship. There can be several things that true self must balance to determine the appropriate action. Is there a compelling reason to maintain this relationship? Possibly this person is not quite ready to stand on their own and help themselves, but they are making steady progress towards that idea. We might decide this friendship is worth maintaining awhile longer.
Another aspect that true self might look at is how much of a drain the friendship is on true self. If there is not much in the friendship that complicates our life we might decide to maintain the friendship. Each friendship is unique and should be considered by itself.
Am I saying to go and get rid of all our friends? Of course not. What I am saying is that we should start to look at the complications that we may have because of our friendships. Once we see the complications then it is our responsibility to either accept them or learn to get rid of them.
It is not easy to ease friends out of our lives. However, if they are acting as true self they will understand and will not care. They will know that the friendship never really goes away and it will blossom again when it needs to do so. If our friends are acting from false self they may get upset when we ease them out of our lives. They may even blame us for their feeling hurt no matter what we do to help them understand that we must move on. To me, this proves that I did not really want this person as a friend anyway.
That’s all for today. Tomorrow we will get a feel for dealing with the complications of family in our life.
Until tomorrow –
Es kava turen hai
We work towards an identical goal.
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