Life is Simple – People Make It Complicated

December 11, 2008

A few months ago we wrote an item that was called “Life is Doing Fine – It’s People Who Have Problems.”  Today we are going to look at a similar idea – that we choose to make life complicated.

 

We want complications

For several reasons our false self wants complications.  For some this is a defense mechanism.  For example, if we can make our job seem very difficult and complicated we think that we can create some job security.  This is false self clinging to the known situation rather than embracing new ideas.

 

We also like to make things complicated so we can use them as an excuse.  I have recently heard people talk about the political situation being very complicated.  They were using this as an excuse for not getting involved and learning about the current political situation.

 

Learn to simplify

One of the major tenets of many spiritual and philosophical disciplines is the idea of simplifying our lives.  Many times this revolves around ridding ourselves of physical objects.  However, complication of ideas and personal relationships can be just as detrimental to a simplified life.

 

I am not saying to get rid of objects or relationships.  I am saying to understand them and their role in our lives.   Some disciplines call for us to renounce our possessions.  My view is that we must renounce our attachments to our possessions.  It is the attachment to the possession, not the possession itself that complicates our lives.

 

In the same vein, we tend to complicate our lives through our attachments to people and relationships.  Just like with possessions, it is the attachment that is the problem, not the relationship.  Many times false self wants to have people around to validate that it is accepted.  After all, if there are people that like it, false self must be worthy and likeable.

 

Observe your complications

As with so many of our solutions, it all starts with observation.  We need do nothing more than watch your behavior.  Recognize it when we see that we are creating complications.  At first we need do nothing more than this.

 

The next step is to accept that we want to make things complicated.  In doing this we are taking responsibility for the source of the complications.  This is a big step because we have now moved out of denial.  Accepting responsibility for creating the complications will eventually allow us to cease creating them.

 

The final step is to stop creating the complications.  As long as we are accepting that we are creating the complications this step will happen automatically.  Eventually we will tire of creating complications and train ourselves that we do not have to create them.

 

I have found that a more simple life is a much happier life.  I hope you will find the same.

 

That is all I have for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

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Simplify Our Life – Possessional Baggage

September 30, 2008

We are working our way through some of the complications that come with our possessions.  Yesterday we heard about how attachments to both our ideas and our possessions take their toll.  Today we will look at how the fear of losing our possessions can bring us to a standstill.

 

Fear of loss

On August 18 we looked at the idea of false self and possessions.  In that post we linked to previous posts where we got a feel for how false self creates the original attachments.  I would recommend that you go back and read those posts in order to understand today’s post more clearly.

 

Our previous discussions of the basic nature of false self told us that false self is primarily something that is overwhelmed by its fears.  It develops attachments in order to quiet those fears.  It views those fears and attachments as its identity and will forcefully defend those fears and that identity.  It does the same with the possessions to which it is attached.

 

The false self views its possessions as part of its identity.  The possessions become part of who it thinks it is.  It thinks it is the clothes it wears, the car it drives, or the money it has.  Any loss of these possessions it views as a loss of a part of itself.  Therefore it feels very much wounded when there is even the slightest threat that it might lose any of these possessions.

 

The fear is the baggage

Think about this.  For every possession that comes from a false self attachment we have at least three issues to work through:

 

  1. As we discussed yesterday we have the underlying attachment that causes us to acquire the object in the first place.
  1. Yesterday we also discussed the fact that we also create an attachment to the possession that is similar to the attachment caused by the underlying attachment.
  1. We also have a fear of loss of the possession because we view that as fear of loss of a part of false self.

 

The fear usually becomes the heaviest baggage.  It is also the first thing that we see when we sense that we might lose a possession.  False self wants to protect itself first.  True, it does not want to let go of the attachments.  However, when a possession is threatened with loss, that fear of loss overrides anything that has to do with the attachments.  The fear of losing what it views as a part of itself is what causes extreme behavior.

 

The scratch in the car

We have used this analogy before, but it is quite appropriate.  Why does someone get so crazy when they find a small scratch in their car?  They view the car as a part of themselves and think that they were scratched along with their car.

 

Isn’t this senseless baggage?  We know that we were not scratched, but we cannot stop feeling violated by the scratch in the car.  We are attached to the car and therefore we think it is us.  With this kind of logic we cannot help but carry this baggage of fear.  If we feel this strongly about a scratch in the car, how will we feel if the car is stolen?

 

Look at your other large possessions

Our fear of loss extends to all of our other possessions.  Many times it is the large ones that can cause the greatest fears.  Things like our house and money can cause a great fear of loss.  Once again we experience this fear because we think that the money or the house are a part of false self.

 

And your small possessions

We can get possessive about the silliest objects.  Look at a young child who has become attached to a blanket or a stuffed animal.  They get upset when the object becomes lost because they have started to view that object as part of themselves.

 

Unfortunately, many of us continue this type of behavior as we grow older.  We can become attached to the silliest and smallest objects.  Our fear of loss of these objects is the same as the fear experienced by the young child.  For some strange reason we view the object as part of ourself and become fearful when we are threatened with losing it.

 

Simplify – let go of the baggage

Earlier in this post we saw that there are three basic issues surrounding our attachments to possessions.  These were: the underlying attachment, the attachment to the object, and the fear of losing the object.

 

The primary baggage is the fear of loss of the object.  This is the part we see first and most frequently.  This is a good place to start to let go of the baggage.  

 

When we see that we are fearful of the loss of a possession we remind ourself that the fear is baggage.  We may not understand the underlying attachment or the attachment to the object, but we can see the fear.  That is where we start.

 

It takes constant repetition.  Every time we see that we are fearful of losing an object we remind ourself to let go of the fear.  I have even gone as far as to visualize my hand grasping the object to illustrate the fear.  Then I visualize my hand letting go of the object to symbolize that I have let go of the baggage. 

 

Usually this took repeated visualizations, but over time I have trained myself to let go of many of my possessions.  Have I let go of all my possessions yet?  Probably not.  The important thing is that I am carrying less baggage than I was yesterday, last month, or last year.  The possessions cause fewer complications in my life.

 

I firmly believe that I am nothing special.  If I can learn this and create a happier and less complicated life – so can you.  The reason that I am writing this is in the hopes that you can learn to find your happiness as I have found mine.  A great part of my happiness came as I learned to let go of the baggage of possessions and found a way to live a more simplified life.

 

Finally, I implore you to find your happiness sooner than I found mine.  I wasted far too many years dragging my baggage around.  Please do not waste your time like I wasted mine.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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Simplify Our Life – Complications from Possessions

September 29, 2008

Today we will take a look at simplifying our life through a sensible approach towards possessions.  Many of us become controlled by our possessions and do not even realize it.  Today we will look at how to take back that control.

 

Welcome back

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  It has been wet for the last three days in this part of the northeastern US.  It has been a time for cleaning, laundry, cooking projecets, and catching up on some film history.  I hope each of you had a safe and happy weekend regardless of where you are and what the weather was.

 

This week we will continue to look at some ideas for simplifying our lives.  We will start with looking at possessions.  Are you ready?  Let’s go!

 

Possessions are tools

Our post on August 19 of this year discussed how true self uses possessions.  The main points of that discussion were that true self views possessions as tools to use, true self does not care if it loses a possession, and that attachments to possessions are detrimental – not the possessions themselves.  Please read that post to review these points.

 

Because true self views possessions as tools we can simplify our life based on that idea.  For a variety of reasons many of us are driven to acquire possessions that cannot be considered tools.  One of these reasons is that we see the item advertised and think that we want it.  Sometimes we want to show how wealthy or intelligent we are.  We may want to project our social status.  We acquire objects that demonstrate these motives.

 

True self knows that these are false self based reasons and that these possessions are not tools.  Now false self will have to deal with the complications of acquiring these objects.  Let’s take a look at some of these complications.

 

Maintaining our possessions

All possessions require different types of energy to acquire and maintain.  We will start with the energy to acquire the possession.  Usually this is money.  Some of the other energies used to acquire possessions would be outright theft, or personal influence.

 

Theft speaks for itself and needs no explanation.  Influence would be convincing someone to give us something without having to pay for it.  This might involve being nice to someone to get a gift or it might mean maintaining painful relationships with our family in order to receive an inheritance.  Either way, we expend emotional energy to gain possessions.

 

However we have expended the energy to acquire our possessions, many times we do not realize the true cost of maintaining them.  This cost involves both monetary and emotional energy.  Frequently we understand the monetary cost of maintaining a possession but we rarely examine the emotional cost required to maintain that same possession.  Let’s take a closer look at that emotional cost.

 

The cost of the attachment

Before we start the next part of the discussion let’s remind ourselves that when true self decides to acquire a possession there is a reason.  There is no attachment to the possession so there is no emotional energy involved.  This is not so with possessions acquired by false self.

 

False self acquires possessions because it is driven by its attachments.  It is attached to having a big house.  It buys a big house that is not appropriate for the situation.  Now that it has the house it becomes attached to the house as well as the idea of having a big house.

 

False self increases the number of its attachments whenever it acquires a possession based on an attachment.  In other words, the more possessions we acquire the harder it becomes to work through our attachments.  We have to work through both the idea to which we are attached as well as the possessions that were acquired because of the idea.  We are attached to those possessions almost as strongly as we are attached to the ideas that caused us to acquire them.

 

Sometimes it gets to the point that we will not even look at the ideas to which we are attached because we do not want to lose all the possessions that come from that attachment.  This might be the case of someone who is very attached to money.  They may not want to look at the attachment to their money because they are afraid of losing their money.

 

The attachment separates us

Simply put, the emotional cost of the possession can become quite high because of the underlying attachment.  We are attached to a car that we think gives us a certain status.  We are afraid that if we lose the car we lose that status.  We understand the monetary cost of the car, but do we understand the emotional cost of the attachment that car represents?

 

Do we see that when we become attached to both the idea of our status and the car as a projection of that status that we are separating ourselves from listening to our true self?  I think that most of us do not see this.

 

As we have stated before, it is not the possession itself that is the problem.  The attachment is what causes the pain.  We can rid ourselves of our possessions.  If we do not resolve the underlying attachments that caused us to acquire those possessions we will still be in pain.

 

We may choose to refrain from acquiring possessions.  However, that may cause another problem.  That problem would be an unnecessary denial of necessary possessions.  It would also cause us to fear possessions.  Both of these are false self behaviors.  The best approach is to understand the attachment that causes us to acquire the unnecessary possessions and resolve that.

 

That would be learning to simplify our life through a sensible approach to possessions.

 

That’s all for today.  Tomorrow we will continue our look at simplifying our life through our approach to possessions.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

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The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Non-Supportive Family

September 23, 2008

I am sure some of you have been scratching your head and wondering what the last two posts have had to do with simplifying your life.  When I started writing about family I thought that I would be able to explain it in one or two posts.  Surprise!  It is going to take a total of five.

 

Simplify your blood family

In the last two posts we talked about our blood families.  We first talked about the idea of functional and nonfunctional families.  Then we learned about the need to examine our family.  If you have not read those posts please do so.  Reading them is pretty much a prerequisite for understanding this post.

 

Today we will look at a strategy for dealing with the results of our examination of our family.  This strategy is used when we need to get out of a non-supportive relationship.

 

We are accepted

As in all of our relationships we generally have different relationships with the different members of our blood family.  Some will totally accept us for who we are.  These are good relationships that we should attempt to maintain and nurture.  We need to accept these family members unconditionally in the same way they accept us.

 

When acceptance is conditional

Other family members will want to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  These relationships can be summarized with the phrase “if you were really my daughter and loved me you would call me more often.”   Substitute “daughter” for whatever relationship is appropriate for you.  Substitute “call me more often” for any behavior that fits the relationship.

 

These relationships based on conditional acceptance are always painful for us.  The base cause of the pain is that we are not being accepted for who we are.  We usually do not see that.  What we see is that someone is attempting to force us to do things that we do not want to do.

 

We don’t want to call our mother more often.  We don’t want to play baseball but we do so because it will make dad happy.  We don’t want to buy flowers for our sister’s birthday to prove to her that we love her.  We want to express our acceptance in our own way, but they force us to do it their way.  Then, if we do express our acceptance and caring in our own way, they conclude that we do not love them and blame us for hurting them.

 

You can see where this kind of relationship goes.  Over time we are more and more constricted in our behavior towards this relative.  We become more and more unhappy but do not want to hurt them.  This is how nonfunctional families perpetuate themselves.

 

The separation strategy

The first strategy that we will look at is the separation strategy.  This is the more drastic and more final solution.  The way this strategy works is that we commit to attempting to explain to the relative who is placing conditions on their acceptance of us that they are limiting us.

 

If at all possible we should avoid talking about how we are being hurt by them.  There are two reasons for this.  The first goes back to the idea that only the false self can be hurt.  When we talk about being hurt then we are exhibiting false self behavior.

 

The second reason that we do not talk about being hurt is that our relative will frequently respond by telling us how much we are hurting them.  “You think I hurt you? Let me tell you how much you hurt me!”  This conversation rarely is progressive or has a happy ending.

 

In the separation strategy we talk to our relative about how a relationship is limited when we accept someone only if they pass certain conditions.  We talk about how when we are more open with our acceptance we can more truly understand and like each other.

 

We also make a long term commitment to taking whatever time is required to make sure we have tried every possible way to explain ourselves to this relative.  What we are really doing is telling them that we cannot continue our relationship with them if they continue to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  Usually we do not actually say this to our restricting relative.  This is viewed as an ultimatum and detracts from the discussion.

 

We know that the relationship is too painful for us to continue unchanged.  We take whatever time we can devote and have as many discussions as we can before we choose to separate ourselves from the overly restricting relative.

 

As we separate ourselves we acknowledge to ourselves that we have done everything we can to explain our desire to build a healthy relationship with our relative.  We accept that at this time this relative is more interested in their false self behavior than in building a healthy relationship with us.  We accept them for where they are right now and vow to revisit the relationship whenever we think there might be an opening for us to continue our discussions about acceptance.

 

This can be very devastating to us when we determine that we must go forward with our lives.  We have to recognize that we did everything that we could to help our non-supportive relative to understand why we had to break off the relationship.  We have to understand that if they were coming from their true self then they would have no problem with the break up.  The fact that we had to temporarily break the relationship means that we could no longer allow their false self behavior to control what our true self needs to do.

 

All this can be very difficult to sort through while we are in the middle of it.  These are very emotionally charged situations.  This is precisely why we need to be training false self to listen to true self.  True self understands the importance of each of our relationships and is always able to determine which we need to maintain and which we need to suspend.  By listening to true self we can simplify our family relationships.

 

How is this simplifying our life?

Think about how much time and emotional energy we expend on our blood family relationships.  How much of that is in the mutually accepting and supportive category?  How much is in the dealing with conditional acceptance category?

 

Most of us spend a lot of time and emotional energy dealing with the conditional acceptance placed on us by our blood family.  Should we not turn this around and be spending more time and energy on the mutually accepting and supportive relationships?

 

By recognizing the non-supportive relationships we are simplifying our lives.  True self is determining to relate more frequently with those in our family who support us.  These supportive relationships rejuvenate us.  The non-supportive relationships only drain us.

 

We simplify our lives by first understanding the nature of our blood family relationships.  Next we learn to choose for the supportive relationships because they are beneficial to us and help us to simplify our lives.  No unnecessary time or energy is wasted on them.

 

That is all for today.  Tomorrow we will look at another strategy.  That one is called the “accept but cauterize” strategy.

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

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The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Examine Your Family

September 22, 2008

Today we will look at how we can simplify our lives by examining our family.  Many of us do not realize that we can choose who we want as our family.  Today we will start to learn how to do so.  But first…

 

Welcome back

I trust everyone had a great weekend.  Here in the northeastern US we had some great weather.  We also quietly celebrated the end of summer in the northern hemisphere.  Also, we are in the midst of a bountiful harvest season in this area.  I intend to enjoy it now – winter will be here soon enough.

 

Functional family recap

Today’s posting is a direct extension of Friday’s post about functional and nonfunctional families.  We will give a brief synopsis of that post, but you will understand this post much more clearly if you read that one first.

 

In brief, a nonfunctional family is usually dominated by one or two members who exhibit extreme false self behavior.  Frequently this behavior is controlling, aggressive, or related to substance abuse. This behavior causes the other members to develop interlocking false self behaviors that help the family cope with this behavior.

 

The nonfunctional family breaks up with great pain because when one person leaves the interlocking false self behaviors fall apart.  The one who leaves is invariably blamed for the pain caused by the false self behaviors falling apart and then being reassembled to continue the coping strategy.

 

In contrast, a functional family is very supportive of each individual.  Each individual attempts to be objective and supportive of the others.  The functional family is happy because all of the members are learning and growing and sharing that learning and growth.

 

The functional family breaks up very easily because the members have not needed to create interlocking false self behaviors.  When a member of a functional family needs to leave to pursue their learning and growth the other members are happy and supportive.

 

Finally, there are very few truly functional families on this planet.  Nor are there that many truly nonfunctional families.  Most families have characteristics of both functional and nonfunctional families.

 

Examine your family

Many of us do not realize that we can simplify our lives by choosing who we want to be in our family.  Most of us think that our family is our blood family – you know, the people we were born to or who were born to us.  That is only one family.

 

It is much more important that we recognize that this group of people that we call our family must be supportive of our learning and growth.  In the same manner we must be supportive of their learning and growth.

 

We have looked at the concepts of a functional family.  It can be quite difficult and very emotional to examine our blood family and assess the functionality of that group of people.  Objectivity during this examination can be quite difficult to achieve but we must strive for it.

 

This assessment of our family to determine its functionality is usually very painful.  It is a difficult task, and it frequently takes many years to accomplish.  However, we cannot improve our relationship with our blood family until we have begun to understand how it functions.  Otherwise all we are doing is strengthening the interlocking false self behaviors.

 

The reason why this task takes so long is these interlocking false self behaviors.  We have lived within them for so long that we hardly notice them.  Our behavior is so determined by them that we cannot imagine behaving in a different way. 

 

However, if we feel pain in our blood family relationships we need to look at those relationships for false self behaviors.  Pain always means there is an element of false self behavior.  For us to find our true happiness we must find our false self behaviors as they relate to our family.

 

What do I do now?

Isn’t that always the question?  Especially with family this can be a very difficult question to answer.  We each have to come to our own answers in our own way.

There is no “one size fits all” answer here.  We will look at a few options for possible strategies, but we each must find our own way through this portion of our path.  But we are not alone.  If we just look around there are many people who have traveled this part of the path and they want to help us.  Just allow it and the help will be there.

 

How functional are we?

The first question to ask is “how functional is my family?”  Can you separate yourself enough that you can find your own way?  Are you so smothered that the mere idea of your leaving causes tremendous reactions in other family members?  Can you pursue the things you want to do and at least be left alone?  Does everything you want to do need to be approved by the rest of the family?

The answers to those questions will get you started on your examination of your family.  I have seen people react in a full spectrum of responses once they start to truly examine their family.

 

Some have found it either too painful or too threatening to continue the examination.  They stop traveling their path “for the sake of the family”.  They choose for a familiar but unhappy life.

 

I have seen others who have recognized that they would never be able to pursue their path as long as they maintained contact with their family.  They heard a strong voice that told them that they needed to cut all contact with their family in order to find true happiness.  They knew that for them their happiness was more important than anything else – and that their family would never help them to find it because it was too threatening to them.

 

Most of us find ourselves somewhere in between these two extremes.  We can maintain some contact with our family but we have developed a means to pursue our happiness.

 

In a way, most of us put our blood family behind a wall and deal with them there.  We then choose a new family that is mutually supportive of each other’s learning and growth.  Tomorrow we will look at how to choose that new family.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

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Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Functional Families

September 19, 2008

Yesterday we looked at simplifying our lives by choosing our friends carefully.  Family is a bit different matter and much more emotional.  However, many of us choose family over our true happiness.  Today we will look at some ideas to help us understand this choice.

 

But first…

 

Thankful Friday

As is our custom here we take a moment each Friday to thank those around us.  This week I would like to thank those who have given me encouraging feedback about what I am writing.  I thank you for taking the time to read this site and to offer your feedback.

 

As always we thank WordPress and FeedBurner.  They provide the free tools that make this site possible.  Thanks!

 

The nonfunctional family

To start our understanding of why false self is so attached to its family we must first look at the structure of the family.  When we look at most families we do not find a strong influence of true self.  There are many signs of this.  We see issues like a controlling and authoritative parent, a required strong commitment to a religious or political ideology, physical or psychological abuse, and substance abuse.

 

All of these behaviors come from false self.  This is by no means a definitive list, but it covers the most common issues that face families.

 

The way the family adjusts to these issues determines whether not it is a functional family.  In a nonfunctional family it is usually only a few members who have any one of the behaviors listed above.  The others learn to cope with the extreme false self behavior.  Rather than bring it to the attention of the one exhibiting the behavior they keep quiet and try to get along.

 

Let’s take the case of a domineering, controlling, and authoritative parent.  In this example only one of the parents exhibits this behavior.  The spouse most likely began to cope with this type of behavior before there were any children in the family.  The children learned to cope with the behavior as they grew up.

 

Is everybody happy?

Is anyone in this family really happy?  I would suggest that they are not.  The authoritative parent is not.  They are clearly coming from false self and as we have repeated, that is never a happy place.  The spouse and the children are not happy because they must repress their true self so that they do not anger the controlling parent.  Every time they strongly express any true self behavior the false self of the controlling parent views this as a threat and punishes the behavior.  Eventually everyone learns to live in fear of the controlling parent.

 

The final test of a nonfunctional family is what happens when someone needs to leave the family.  Over time the spouse and children of the nonfunctional family have learned to balance each other to keep a sense of stability in the family.  This is not true stability because it is coming from the balancing of their false self behaviors against the false self behavior of the controlling parent.

 

This apparent stability is more like a house of cards that is in a delicate stasis.  Because all the false self behaviors are linked to each other, if one person decides they need to get away from the situation to understand themselves – the whole house of cards comes down.  As it comes down everyone in the family blames the one who chose for their true self as the cause of all the pain.

 

This is not a pretty picture, but how many of us encountered a similar situation as we chose to pursue our spiritual path?  That is why I have felt the need to write about this.  Choosing for the false self based family is one of the most common reasons people never choose to listen to their true self.  At least it is that way in my experience.

 

The functional family

The functional family may not recognize that they are making choices for their true self.  They probably don’t see this.  What they understand is that they are truly happy.

 

Here are some of their behaviors that are different from the nonfunctional family.  They encourage each person in the family to learn what is important to them.  They actively support what each person wants to do as much as is possible.  The functional family wants each person to travel their own path of discovery.  In a functional family you hear “I don’t understand why you want to do that, but I will help you in whatever way I can.”  This is said with utter sincerity.

 

In a functional family the children are not told to be doctors, lawyers, or whatever the parents think they should be.  Children are not forced to participate in sports in which they have no interest.  No one cares.  As long as the child is happy, not destructive of themselves or others, and is passionate about learning – nothing else is really important.

 

A functional family does not force any religious or political ideologies on its members.  The family is strong enough to have any and all beliefs questioned.  The family understands that all ideas need to be examined on a regular basis.  If our understanding evolves, then our ideas should evolve.  A lively discussion of opposing ideas without personal rancor is a sure sign of an open minded family.

 

Finally, the functional family only wants happiness for each of the members.  The functional family does not push its members into unwanted personal relationships.  It does not determine the race, social stature, financial stature, or sexual orientation of its member’s personal relationships.  They know that happiness is more important than any of these.  If the person is not happy in the relationship then we help them understand their choice and help them back towards their true happiness.  We do not condemn them for choosing the wrong relationship with the wrong person.

 

Breaking up a functional family

Unlike the nonfunctional family that breaks up with much pain, the functional family breaks up and reassembles itself very easily.  A functional family is less likely to have interlocking false self dependencies.  The members of a functional family are much more likely to be acting from true self.  Remember, true self knows that it is complete in itself and does not need anyone else.  What do we care if a family member chooses to leave to pursue their goals?  All we want is for them to be happy in that pursuit.

 

The continuum

How many families are fully functional?  Not many.  How many families are totally nonfunctional?  Not many but more than those that are fully functional.  It is more like a continuum where most families exhibit some characteristics of a functional family as well as some from the nonfunctional family.

 

It all depends on which characteristics come into play for us as we relate to our family.  Other family members will have different experiences than ours.  Each family member experiences a different family.  We need to learn about how the family that we experience is affecting our choice for true self.  Not our sister’s choice, not our mother’s choice – our choice.

 

More on Monday

Today we have written the background for Monday’s post.  On Monday we will look at how to use these concepts of functional and nonfunctional families to simplify our relationships with our families.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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Simplify Our Life – People

September 18, 2008

The more I understand my true self the more I realize how complicated we make our lives.  Those complications come from the way false self runs our lives.  The next few posts will look at some ways to understand why we have chosen to complicate our lives.  We will also learn how to begin to eliminate those complications from our lives.

 

False self does not want to be different

We have examined many aspects of how false self operates on this site.  One that we have touched on but did not explain in depth is that false self does not really want to be different.

 

In our previous summary of false self we heard about how false self is based entirely in fear.  Because it is so fearful one of its strong desires is to not appear different from those around it.  This means it wants to think like everyone else, have the same possessions as everyone else, and have the same relationships as everyone else.

 

Today we will start to look at how those fears create a complicated life.

 

Let’s start with the idea of relationships.  In this we are talking about all relationships from our intimate personal relationships to our short-lived social acquaintances.

 

False self wants to be accepted by other people.  False self is afraid of being rejected because that would invalidate its self image.  We looked at this in more depth in previous posts about false self attachments to people.

 

Most of the time false self wants to have other people around.  It is willing to put up with a lot of crap from those people because it wants very badly to be accepted.  For this reason, many times false self keeps in contact with other people just so it will not have to feel rejected.

 

Too many people can complicate our life

Some false selves develop to be basically antisocial.  They do not have to worry about too many people in their lives because they drive everyone out.  As in all things, there is a balance.  An individual with a false self like this needs to learn the balance of having no one in their life versus having the appropriate people in their lives.

 

Today we are hearing about individuals who have a false self with the opposite problem of balance.  They have too many people in their lives and have made that life overly complicated.  They need to learn the balance of having too many people in their lives versus having the appropriate people in their lives.

 

Because false self wants to hang on to people, we tend to collect people in our lives.  Over time this collection can take so much energy to maintain that we are not able to concentrate on what we really need to do.  We are constantly tripping over people that we recognize are not helping us to reach our goals, but we are “too nice” to move them out of our lives.

 

Many times we have allowed the false selves of these people to hang on to us for their support.  Now besides having our own false self issues to deal with we are taking on their false self issues.  We think we “have to help” or we are not being nice.  Because false self is afraid to lose someone from its circle of acquaintances it can take a long time to realize that we are indulging, not helping the other individual.

 

So now we have a collection of people that are hanging on to us for support while we are barely able to support ourselves.  What do we do?

 

True self wants those who are self supporting

For now we will look at some suggestions on how to deal with friends and acquaintances.  We will look at how deal with complications of family in tomorrow’s post.  Please submit a comment if you want to start to look at family issues now.  We can start the discussion immediately.

 

True self knows that we have objectives for this life time.  True self wants to help those around us whenever possible.  True self also knows that there has to be a balance between helping someone and that person wanting to help themselves. 

 

This can be a hard thing for false self to see objectively because false self does not want to lose people from its life.  More people equates to being more liked.  Why deliberately move people out of our life and have fewer people like us?  Or at least so thinks the so called false self logic.

 

Take a look at where you are on this question.  Are you keeping friends in your life that are not helping you towards your goals?  Are there friends in your life that take much more than they give?  Are there friends in your life that you wonder why you bother to maintain a friendship?  Are there friends in your life that “need” you?  Start to look at these friends like true self does.

 

True self looks at a friendship objectively.  The first question is whether or not the friendship is beneficial for true self.  If true self finds that there is a true caring, learning, mutual assistance relationship the question is a resounding yes.

 

If true self does not answer yes to this question then we look at whether or not we are able to help this person.  This is a subtle question because the answer appears to be yes – we can always help someone.  The subtle part of this question is does this person want to help themselves?

 

If someone does not want to help themselves then true self knows we are wasting our time.  All we can do is wait until we see an opening that might enable this friend to see that they do not really want to help themselves.  It is sad, but sometimes we must go about our business while others come to their understandings on their own.

 

The final analysis that true self makes is what to do with the relationship.  There can be several things that true self must balance to determine the appropriate action.  Is there a compelling reason to maintain this relationship?  Possibly this person is not quite ready to stand on their own and help themselves, but they are making steady progress towards that idea.  We might decide this friendship is worth maintaining awhile longer.

 

Another aspect that true self might look at is how much of a drain the friendship is on true self.  If there is not much in the friendship that complicates our life we might decide to maintain the friendship.  Each friendship is unique and should be considered by itself.

 

Am I saying to go and get rid of all our friends?  Of course not.  What I am saying is that we should start to look at the complications that we may have because of our friendships.  Once we see the complications then it is our responsibility to either accept them or learn to get rid of them.

 

It is not easy to ease friends out of our lives.  However, if they are acting as true self they will understand and will not care.  They will know that the friendship never really goes away and it will blossom again when it needs to do so.  If our friends are acting from false self they may get upset when we ease them out of our lives.  They may even blame us for their feeling hurt no matter what we do to help them understand that we must move on.  To me, this proves that I did not really want this person as a friend anyway.

 

That’s all for today.  Tomorrow we will get a feel for dealing with the complications of family in our life.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

Subscribe

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com