There Is No Silver Bullet

February 16, 2009

Does anyone remember the Lone Ranger?  It started out as radio show and then became a TV show.  The hero, the Lone Ranger, was famous for shooting silver bullets.  The idea of a silver bullet seems to originate in folklore as a “magic” solution to a problem.  Today we look at why silver bullets do not exist – or do they?

 

Welcome back

I trust everyone had a great weekend.  We had seasonable weather in this part of the northeast US.  This was also Valentine’s Day, President’s Day weekend, and the Daytona 500 was run.  As an automobile racing fan, I was glad to see the season get underway again.

 

Silver bullets are nice

At one time or another we all want silver bullets.  We want nice, simple, straightforward, easy, solutions to our “problems”.  We want to shoot a silver bullet and make all of our problems go away.  The question is – why do we want a silver bullet solution?

 

Actually, it is not us that wants the silver bullet solution.  It is our false self that wants the solution.  We, as our true self, recognize that “silver bullet” solutions rarely exist.  We will see more about this in tomorrow’s post.

 

In reality, it is our false self that wants silver bullet solutions.  Remember, false self is based on fear.  False self is afraid of any change.  False self is afraid of doing anything that it does not understand or want to do.

 

Silver bullet solutions are enthralling

For false self, a silver bullet solution is very persuasive.  It offers the opportunity to make a problem magically disappear.  The problem goes way and we never have to think about it again.  The fallacy is that this is just another way of being in denial.

 

False self wants the problem to magically disappear.  This solution never works because false self has never taken the time to look at and understand the “problem”.  It is afraid to look at the problem, so it just wants it to go away. 

 

However, if we do not understand the problem and why it occurred, then we never truly solve the problem.  Since we do not understand the problem, it will happen again.  When it happens again we will get a new opportunity to look at and understand the problem.

 

It’s all about learning

Some would view this as karma.  I see it as learning.  We encounter what we call a “problem”.  We get an opportunity to learn about something that will help us to resolve the problem.  We also get a silver bullet solution.  When false self opts for the silver bullet solution we do not learn anywhere near as much as what we learn when true self rolls up our sleeves and starts to resolve the situation.

 

It is always our choice.  Do we want to allow false self to delay the learning or do we, as true self, want to learn now?  I have found that it is much more efficient when we choose to learn now.

 

After all this – there is one possibility that there just might be a silver bullet.  Join us tomorrow when we look at that possibility.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

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The Child Chasing the Bee

December 29, 2008

Today we will look at another analogy from the book The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power by Vernon Howard.  We heard several analogies from this book in previous posts.  Today we will hear about the child and the bee.

 

Welcome back

Welcome back from your holiday weekend.  I trust that everyone had a safe and happy weekend.  We have had very changeable weather in this part of the northeast US.  To me, this is just a sign the planetary rebalancing is getting underway in earnest.

 

The child and the bee

Today’s analogy compares our false self desires to a child chasing a bee.  The child is playing in the yard and spies a big colorful bumble bee.  The bumble bee is slow moving so the child decides to catch this mesmerizing creature.

 

Of course the bee immediately stings the child.  As Vernon Howard describes it – the child soon finds that he does not want the bee.

 

Our false self is much the same as the child chasing after the bright and colorful bee.  False self is mesmerized by things like money, power, notoriety, personal relationships, and material objects.  It chases after them without much thought as to what will happen when it catches them.

 

Our culture is replete with individuals, both historical and current, who apparently had everything but were not happy.  They had all the money, power, fame which most of us dream of.  They still had not found their true self, so all these false self accomplishments turned out to be meaningless.

 

The dog chasing cars

There is an old joke about dogs that chase cars.  The punch line is “What is the dog going to do when he finally catches a car?”

 

I recommend that we do the same thing with all the false self materialistic dreams that we are chasing.  Ask yourself what are you really going to do when you win the lottery?  Will buying that house really make your life any better?  When you get that promotion and you have more people reporting to you, are you really going to be able lead them any better than you can now?

 

I am not preaching.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with wanting more money, a nicer house, or a promotion.  I am just recommending that we think about why we really want these things.  Then we should think very seriously about what we will do once we get them.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

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The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Don’t Fix Things in the Mirror

November 24, 2008

Last week I was involved in a discussion.  As is my want, this was a discussion about spiritual topics.  The speaker at this discussion talked about looking in the mirror and trying to fix the reflection in the mirror rather than fixing the original image.  Today we will take a closer look at this idea.

 

Welcome back

Welcome back to all of our readers from what I hope was a safe and productive weekend for everyone.  Here in this part of the northeast US we had a lot of sunshine.  The temperature was unseasonably cold.  More like January than November.  Maybe that will mean that January will be like April.  One can hope.

 

Although this is a holiday week in the US, we will have a full set of posts.  I am planning some special posts for Thursday and Friday.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed writing them.

 

Announcement

I will be speaking next Sunday at Circle of Miracles in New Britain, PA.  The meeting starts at 10:00 am.  The subject will be the explanation of the reason that the Crystal, Indigo, and Star Children are on this planet and how we can help them.  I hope to see as many of you as possible there.

 

Fix our self, not the reflection

At first this seems like a logical and reasonable idea.  Of course I should not fix the reflection; I should take care of me.

 

This idea reminds me of the cartoon representation of the kid who is sent to brush his teeth.  He looks in the mirror, puts the toothpaste on the mirror, and then brushes the mirror with his toothbrush.  We do the same thing when we try to change false self.

 

You cannot change false self

After all the pages that I have written about false self, it seems odd that I should say that you cannot change false self.  Well, it is true.  There is very little that you can do to change false self.

 

The only changes we can make in false self is to get it to be more quiet and learn to trust true self.  Other than that, we cannot really change false self behavior.  Let’s look a little more closely at this.

 

Let’s say that you notice that your false self has a habit of stretching the truth.  Let’s suppose that this habit has gotten you in a bit of trouble at times.  Our first reaction to a situation like this would be to stop false self from lying.

 

In our post last week we looked at the analogy of the tiger.  When we try to change false self we are actually wrestling with the tiger – a battle that we can never win.  Instead, we learn to let the tiger walk through our thinking.

 

Lying is an example of a tiger.  We see that we don’t want to lie, but have yet to learn how not to do so.  We are in a situation and see that we are about to lie about something.  We don’t want to lie – so we start to wrestle the tiger.  We may not actually lie, but the struggle will have worn us out.

 

Here is a better way – just let the tiger walk through.  Notice that you want to lie.  If you lie – note that as well.  You can always go back and fix the situation.  You can always tell the other person(s) that you made a mistake.  No big deal.

 

The reason that you lied was that you did not trust true self.  Over time, as you recognize that you can trust true self, you will learn that there is no situation that true self cannot handle.  Therefore there is no reason to lie.  Wrestling with the tiger means we are fighting a losing battle with our self.  We win the battle when we can sit quietly and let the thoughts about lying pass through without acting on them.

 

Look in the mirror

Ok – so we started with the analogy of the mirror and seem to have only talked about tigers.  Not really.  When we are standing at the mirror and reaching out to fix the reflection we are actually reaching out to try to fix false self.

 

In our tiger analogy we wrestle with false self thoughts because we do not like them and want to change them.  In the mirror analogy we are reaching out and attempting to change our reflection.

 

We should be recognizing that the reflection cannot be changed.  By attempting to change the reflection we are just finding another way to wrestle with the tiger.  We are brushing the toothpaste on the mirror, not brushing our own teeth.

 

The bottom line of all this is to realize that there is very little that we can change about false self.  All we can do is accept it for what it is, but not give it any validity.  When we try to change false self we are trying to change our reflection. 

 

We need to learn to listen to true self.  In that way we will not care about the reflection.  The reflection will be of true self and we will accept it, imperfections and all.  After all, it is those imperfections that show us our next steps on our path.

 

Trying to change the reflection will cause us to be in denial of our faults and obscure our path.  Haven’t most of us lived that way for far too long?

 

Let’s stop trying to change the reflection or fight our tigers.  Let’s learn to be happy!

 

That’s all for today.  Enjoy your holiday week.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

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The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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How Barack Obama Exemplifies Spirituality (part 4)

November 13, 2008

Today we will continue our look at a few spiritual concepts that Barack Obama seems to be exemplifying.  His main message is about change.  Today we will look at some of the spiritual aspects of change.

 

Tomorrow we will finish this series by summarizing the posts from this week.  We will also add a few last words on this subject in an attempt to put everything into the appropriate perspective.

 

Be the change you want to see

The primary message that Barack Obama espoused throughout his campaign was the idea of change.  Unlike most other politicians he appeared to be a “do as I do” person.  Many politicians are “do as I say” and then do not “do” as they have said.  In other words they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.  Let’s take a look at a few ways in which Barack Obama both talked the talk and walked the walk.

 

Inclusive

The first example of this is what we mentioned in Tuesday’s post about being inclusive.  Barack Obama constantly pointed out that there are no red states and no blue states – only the United States.  He walked that walk by building a fifty state campaign organization.

 

This organization said to each state that they were important and helped to solidify the campaign as a unified national organization.  Other politicians have mouthed the words of national unity and then waged their campaigns primarily in the swing states.  By being inclusive of all states Barack Obama was the change that he wanted to see.

 

End divisive politics

In Tuesday’s post we also talked about the “energize the base” campaign strategy.  We showed how this is a very divisive method of winning an election.  To compliment his idea of inclusiveness, Barack Obama talked extensively about bringing an end to divisive politics.

 

He walked that walk by identifying the entire country as his base.  He did not actively energize any one group at the expense of another.  His message was that we are one people.  He repeatedly attempted to find ways to unify us rather than splinter us into factions.

 

This was heard in his constant message about all of us working together.  By his being willing to work with all of us, Barack Obama was being the change he wanted to see – all of us working together.

 

Fear

Barack Obama also talked about not being afraid.  He was not as explicit as Franklin Roosevelt who talked much more directly about fear.  Barack Obama dealt with fear by emphasizing positive and progressive ideas.

 

When his opponents resorted to tactics designed to make the electorate fearful of him, Barack Obama did not respond in kind.  By not continuing the downward spiral of fear based tactics Barack Obama exemplified the change he wanted to see.  He showed us that fear does not have to be used in order to gain an objective.

 

He is not the change – we are

Another spiritual principle demonstrated by Barack Obama was not taking credit for things done by other people.  A spiritual person knows that when someone changes themself, the primary credit goes to the one who has changed.  That individual has gathered up their courage, seen a better way to live, and then made the change for a happier life.

 

An enlightened person may have guided the way or said a few helpful things that assisted in the change.  But the enlightened person also knows that by giving credit to the person who made the change they will help the person feel empowered.  Once we know that we have the power to change ourself in a positive manner we can go out and change anything we want to change.

 

This is a very important spiritual principle.  The enlightened spiritual person recognizes that the most powerful force is a person who has changed their life for the better and knows that they made that change.  This person has realized their own true power – possibly the single most important spiritual understanding.

 

By constantly telling us that he was not the change Barack Obama was showing extreme strength.  Politicians tend to be false self (ego) driven people.  This is frequently mistaken for strength.  In reality it is only a very strong false self.

 

True self does not need to take credit for the changes other people make.  True self only cares that other people learn to change for the better.  Also, true self knows the journey required in making those changes.  True self knows that the really difficult work was done by the person who made the positive change.  The credit goes to those who do the work, not the one who points out the work that needs to be done.

 

Here is one more variation on this idea of showing us that we are the change.  He constantly gave credit for his successes and victories to those who did the work.  Many politicians mouth these words.  With Barack Obama one has the feeling that he really understands what he is saying and means it sincerely.

 

Change from the bottom up

Finally let’s look at the idea of change happening from the bottom up.  This was another frequent theme of the campaign that Barack Obama ran.  This idea of change coming from the bottom closely matches his supporting those that are actually doing the work of that change.

 

Many politicians talk about change.  They talk about what they are going to change.  They are telling us that they are going to make the decisions and that we are going to have to accept those decisions.  That is change from the top down.  We the people can only accept or resist that kind of change.  This becomes a confrontational situation, not one of empowerment.

 

By telling us that the change starts with we the people and then showing us how to empower ourselves, Barack Obama is showing us how to take control of our country.  He is walking the walk of telling us we are the change, empowering us to be the change, and then telling us that the change comes from us at the bottom.  How much more could he exemplify these ideas?

 

That is all for today.  We have talked about spirituality in the last few days.  Here is the link in case anyone would like to read our article “What Is Spirituality?”  Come back tomorrow for a few last thoughts on this subject.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Imagine Yourself as a Puppet Master

November 6, 2008

Today we will continue our discussion regarding observation.  We will extend our analogy by adding the idea of being a puppet master.

 

Review

We started this analogy on Monday when we began talking about observing ourselves from a balcony.  Yesterday we looked at why we jump off the balcony.

Today we will look at an analogy that can help us stay on the balcony.

 

Practice observing

Let’s go back to our initial analogy about observation.  Imagine that you are standing on a balcony that is a little above and behind you body.  You are watching that body as it goes through the daily routine.

 

At this point you are only observing.  You observe as your body eats breakfast.  You observe as your body goes through the day at work.  You observe when your false self gets mad when it has to sit in traffic on the way home from work.

 

You watch all this but do not get involved.  Gradually you will develop a sense of separateness from your body, but not a disconnection.  You will see that you are still connected to your body but that your point of observation is outside of that body.

 

A limited role

At this point you start to understand the role your body is supposed to play.  The only tasks your body is supposed to perform are to be your physical eyes and ears.  The body is supposed to move itself around as you need it to move.  Those are the only tasks that the body is supposed to do.

 

The last thing your body is supposed to do is get involved with a bunch of complicated thinking.  What most of us consider as thinking actually comes from our false self, which is a part of the physical body.  False self is supposed to do what true self tells it to do.  The tasks false self performs are strictly related to being the physical interface for true self within the physical world.

 

An example

Let’s use the example of going to a meeting to start to understand how these roles are separated.  You are at work and you have a meeting to attend at 10:00 AM.  Let’s watch to see how true self and false self are supposed to collaborate for this common task.

 

You get to work and check your calendar before you get started on any work.  You note that you have a 10:00 meeting to attend.  You file that thought and get started on your work.

 

As you work, false self monitors the time and notes when it is time to go to the meeting.  You stop working five minutes before the meeting to allow yourself time to walk to the meeting.  You tell false self to take the body to the meeting.

 

True self does not need to know how to get to the meeting.  True self does not need to know how to walk.  These tasks are done by false self.  False self walks the body to the meeting.  False self sits the body in a chair.

 

Once the meeting starts true self listens to what the body is hearing.  True self is the one that decides on the correct answer when we are asked a question.  True self decides when to comment, and what the comments should be.

 

False self does not have a lot to do while true self is participating in the meeting.  At the end of the meeting false self walks the body back to your desk.

 

The puppeteer

Let’s put all of these ideas together.  True self is standing on the balcony observing false self operate the body.  True self is watching all the false self thoughts go by.

 

Most of these thoughts are about fear, anger, and unhappiness.  True self does not want anything to do with that kind of unhappiness so it stays on the balcony and lets the attachments go by without grabbing on to them.

 

Once true self has gotten comfortable with observing, we decide to take a bit more control of our body and our false self.  While we are standing on the balcony we rig the body and the false self with strings – just like a puppet.

 

Now we stand on the balcony and move our false self based body where we want it to go.  We want it to get in the car and drive.  We manipulate the appropriate strings to maneuver the body into the car.

 

As we are driving we notice that false self is getting upset.  We yank on the string that lets go of the attachment and false self calms down.  A little later false self starts to get afraid of its financial situation.  We manipulate the string that is holding on to that attachment and the fear is gone.

 

We gradually learn that we have this tremendous control of how we interface with the world.  We stand in our calm, quiet, and happy place on the balcony and confidently manipulate our false self and its body as if we were a master puppeteer.  You know what?  After a bit of practice doing this we become that master puppeteer.

 

That is all for today.  As always, thanks for reading.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Non-Supportive Family

September 23, 2008

I am sure some of you have been scratching your head and wondering what the last two posts have had to do with simplifying your life.  When I started writing about family I thought that I would be able to explain it in one or two posts.  Surprise!  It is going to take a total of five.

 

Simplify your blood family

In the last two posts we talked about our blood families.  We first talked about the idea of functional and nonfunctional families.  Then we learned about the need to examine our family.  If you have not read those posts please do so.  Reading them is pretty much a prerequisite for understanding this post.

 

Today we will look at a strategy for dealing with the results of our examination of our family.  This strategy is used when we need to get out of a non-supportive relationship.

 

We are accepted

As in all of our relationships we generally have different relationships with the different members of our blood family.  Some will totally accept us for who we are.  These are good relationships that we should attempt to maintain and nurture.  We need to accept these family members unconditionally in the same way they accept us.

 

When acceptance is conditional

Other family members will want to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  These relationships can be summarized with the phrase “if you were really my daughter and loved me you would call me more often.”   Substitute “daughter” for whatever relationship is appropriate for you.  Substitute “call me more often” for any behavior that fits the relationship.

 

These relationships based on conditional acceptance are always painful for us.  The base cause of the pain is that we are not being accepted for who we are.  We usually do not see that.  What we see is that someone is attempting to force us to do things that we do not want to do.

 

We don’t want to call our mother more often.  We don’t want to play baseball but we do so because it will make dad happy.  We don’t want to buy flowers for our sister’s birthday to prove to her that we love her.  We want to express our acceptance in our own way, but they force us to do it their way.  Then, if we do express our acceptance and caring in our own way, they conclude that we do not love them and blame us for hurting them.

 

You can see where this kind of relationship goes.  Over time we are more and more constricted in our behavior towards this relative.  We become more and more unhappy but do not want to hurt them.  This is how nonfunctional families perpetuate themselves.

 

The separation strategy

The first strategy that we will look at is the separation strategy.  This is the more drastic and more final solution.  The way this strategy works is that we commit to attempting to explain to the relative who is placing conditions on their acceptance of us that they are limiting us.

 

If at all possible we should avoid talking about how we are being hurt by them.  There are two reasons for this.  The first goes back to the idea that only the false self can be hurt.  When we talk about being hurt then we are exhibiting false self behavior.

 

The second reason that we do not talk about being hurt is that our relative will frequently respond by telling us how much we are hurting them.  “You think I hurt you? Let me tell you how much you hurt me!”  This conversation rarely is progressive or has a happy ending.

 

In the separation strategy we talk to our relative about how a relationship is limited when we accept someone only if they pass certain conditions.  We talk about how when we are more open with our acceptance we can more truly understand and like each other.

 

We also make a long term commitment to taking whatever time is required to make sure we have tried every possible way to explain ourselves to this relative.  What we are really doing is telling them that we cannot continue our relationship with them if they continue to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  Usually we do not actually say this to our restricting relative.  This is viewed as an ultimatum and detracts from the discussion.

 

We know that the relationship is too painful for us to continue unchanged.  We take whatever time we can devote and have as many discussions as we can before we choose to separate ourselves from the overly restricting relative.

 

As we separate ourselves we acknowledge to ourselves that we have done everything we can to explain our desire to build a healthy relationship with our relative.  We accept that at this time this relative is more interested in their false self behavior than in building a healthy relationship with us.  We accept them for where they are right now and vow to revisit the relationship whenever we think there might be an opening for us to continue our discussions about acceptance.

 

This can be very devastating to us when we determine that we must go forward with our lives.  We have to recognize that we did everything that we could to help our non-supportive relative to understand why we had to break off the relationship.  We have to understand that if they were coming from their true self then they would have no problem with the break up.  The fact that we had to temporarily break the relationship means that we could no longer allow their false self behavior to control what our true self needs to do.

 

All this can be very difficult to sort through while we are in the middle of it.  These are very emotionally charged situations.  This is precisely why we need to be training false self to listen to true self.  True self understands the importance of each of our relationships and is always able to determine which we need to maintain and which we need to suspend.  By listening to true self we can simplify our family relationships.

 

How is this simplifying our life?

Think about how much time and emotional energy we expend on our blood family relationships.  How much of that is in the mutually accepting and supportive category?  How much is in the dealing with conditional acceptance category?

 

Most of us spend a lot of time and emotional energy dealing with the conditional acceptance placed on us by our blood family.  Should we not turn this around and be spending more time and energy on the mutually accepting and supportive relationships?

 

By recognizing the non-supportive relationships we are simplifying our lives.  True self is determining to relate more frequently with those in our family who support us.  These supportive relationships rejuvenate us.  The non-supportive relationships only drain us.

 

We simplify our lives by first understanding the nature of our blood family relationships.  Next we learn to choose for the supportive relationships because they are beneficial to us and help us to simplify our lives.  No unnecessary time or energy is wasted on them.

 

That is all for today.  Tomorrow we will look at another strategy.  That one is called the “accept but cauterize” strategy.

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

Subscribe

 

Don’t miss any updates.  Get daily posts by email.  Subscribe to this blog by clicking here: SUBSCRIBE

 

This email list is maintained by FeedBurner, a subsidiary of Google.  I hate to receive spam and advertisements in my email.  I will never sell your email address for such purposes.

 

Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Functional Families

September 19, 2008

Yesterday we looked at simplifying our lives by choosing our friends carefully.  Family is a bit different matter and much more emotional.  However, many of us choose family over our true happiness.  Today we will look at some ideas to help us understand this choice.

 

But first…

 

Thankful Friday

As is our custom here we take a moment each Friday to thank those around us.  This week I would like to thank those who have given me encouraging feedback about what I am writing.  I thank you for taking the time to read this site and to offer your feedback.

 

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The nonfunctional family

To start our understanding of why false self is so attached to its family we must first look at the structure of the family.  When we look at most families we do not find a strong influence of true self.  There are many signs of this.  We see issues like a controlling and authoritative parent, a required strong commitment to a religious or political ideology, physical or psychological abuse, and substance abuse.

 

All of these behaviors come from false self.  This is by no means a definitive list, but it covers the most common issues that face families.

 

The way the family adjusts to these issues determines whether not it is a functional family.  In a nonfunctional family it is usually only a few members who have any one of the behaviors listed above.  The others learn to cope with the extreme false self behavior.  Rather than bring it to the attention of the one exhibiting the behavior they keep quiet and try to get along.

 

Let’s take the case of a domineering, controlling, and authoritative parent.  In this example only one of the parents exhibits this behavior.  The spouse most likely began to cope with this type of behavior before there were any children in the family.  The children learned to cope with the behavior as they grew up.

 

Is everybody happy?

Is anyone in this family really happy?  I would suggest that they are not.  The authoritative parent is not.  They are clearly coming from false self and as we have repeated, that is never a happy place.  The spouse and the children are not happy because they must repress their true self so that they do not anger the controlling parent.  Every time they strongly express any true self behavior the false self of the controlling parent views this as a threat and punishes the behavior.  Eventually everyone learns to live in fear of the controlling parent.

 

The final test of a nonfunctional family is what happens when someone needs to leave the family.  Over time the spouse and children of the nonfunctional family have learned to balance each other to keep a sense of stability in the family.  This is not true stability because it is coming from the balancing of their false self behaviors against the false self behavior of the controlling parent.

 

This apparent stability is more like a house of cards that is in a delicate stasis.  Because all the false self behaviors are linked to each other, if one person decides they need to get away from the situation to understand themselves – the whole house of cards comes down.  As it comes down everyone in the family blames the one who chose for their true self as the cause of all the pain.

 

This is not a pretty picture, but how many of us encountered a similar situation as we chose to pursue our spiritual path?  That is why I have felt the need to write about this.  Choosing for the false self based family is one of the most common reasons people never choose to listen to their true self.  At least it is that way in my experience.

 

The functional family

The functional family may not recognize that they are making choices for their true self.  They probably don’t see this.  What they understand is that they are truly happy.

 

Here are some of their behaviors that are different from the nonfunctional family.  They encourage each person in the family to learn what is important to them.  They actively support what each person wants to do as much as is possible.  The functional family wants each person to travel their own path of discovery.  In a functional family you hear “I don’t understand why you want to do that, but I will help you in whatever way I can.”  This is said with utter sincerity.

 

In a functional family the children are not told to be doctors, lawyers, or whatever the parents think they should be.  Children are not forced to participate in sports in which they have no interest.  No one cares.  As long as the child is happy, not destructive of themselves or others, and is passionate about learning – nothing else is really important.

 

A functional family does not force any religious or political ideologies on its members.  The family is strong enough to have any and all beliefs questioned.  The family understands that all ideas need to be examined on a regular basis.  If our understanding evolves, then our ideas should evolve.  A lively discussion of opposing ideas without personal rancor is a sure sign of an open minded family.

 

Finally, the functional family only wants happiness for each of the members.  The functional family does not push its members into unwanted personal relationships.  It does not determine the race, social stature, financial stature, or sexual orientation of its member’s personal relationships.  They know that happiness is more important than any of these.  If the person is not happy in the relationship then we help them understand their choice and help them back towards their true happiness.  We do not condemn them for choosing the wrong relationship with the wrong person.

 

Breaking up a functional family

Unlike the nonfunctional family that breaks up with much pain, the functional family breaks up and reassembles itself very easily.  A functional family is less likely to have interlocking false self dependencies.  The members of a functional family are much more likely to be acting from true self.  Remember, true self knows that it is complete in itself and does not need anyone else.  What do we care if a family member chooses to leave to pursue their goals?  All we want is for them to be happy in that pursuit.

 

The continuum

How many families are fully functional?  Not many.  How many families are totally nonfunctional?  Not many but more than those that are fully functional.  It is more like a continuum where most families exhibit some characteristics of a functional family as well as some from the nonfunctional family.

 

It all depends on which characteristics come into play for us as we relate to our family.  Other family members will have different experiences than ours.  Each family member experiences a different family.  We need to learn about how the family that we experience is affecting our choice for true self.  Not our sister’s choice, not our mother’s choice – our choice.

 

More on Monday

Today we have written the background for Monday’s post.  On Monday we will look at how to use these concepts of functional and nonfunctional families to simplify our relationships with our families.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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