Strength in Vulnerability

February 26, 2009

On this blog, in the past, we have heard about the importance of vulnerability.  The idea of being vulnerable has come up in several recent conversations.  We take another look at why it is important to understand vulnerability.

 

Being vulnerable means being accepting

There is a misperception that being vulnerable means being weak.  When we are vulnerable we are not accepting of what is happening around us.  Being in the moment, means we are accepting the situation and the people in it.

 

Remember what we have said in the past about being in the moment – when we are in the moment we always know what to do.  There is a little voice that is telling us when to speak, when to be quite, when to act, when to keep still.

 

Being in the moment is very powerful – it is not a state of weakness.  That is probably why we often equate vulnerability to weakness.  It appears that we are allowing everyone to run rough shod over us when we are vulnerable.  In reality, we are choosing to refrain from getting swept up in everyone else’s false self fears.

 

Wanting to control comes from fear

Many times when we choose not to be vulnerable we choose to be controlling instead.  When we fear that we will not get what we want out of a situation we frequently choose to attempt to control that situation.

 

The reason why we are fearful of not getting what we want from a situation is that we are afraid that we do not have the ability to achieve our goals without force.  Control of a situation is an attempt to force the situation into what we want it to be.

 

When we force a situation we are saying “I don’t care about anyone else – I am going to get what I want from this situation.”  Any time that we choose to act in this manner we are doing it from fear.  We are so afraid that we choose to act with disrespect for those around us because we do not think they will help us to get what we want.

 

Being controlling is not being in the moment

Wanting to control a situation is also not accepting the situation.  When we are not accepting of things we are not in the moment.  When we are not in the moment we are acting from false self.  And, as we have asked so many times before on this blog, when has acting from false self ever brought us anything but unhappiness?

 

I don’t know about you, but acting from my false self has never brought me anything that was in my best interest.  Whenever I find myself attempting to force or control a situation, I remind myself that I am attempting to force reality to be what I want it to be.

 

At that point I usually realize that I have slipped out of the moment.  I do whatever it takes to get me back in the moment, accept the situation rather than want to force it, and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to let the situation go wherever it needs to take me so that I can find the best answer.

 

Please stop trying to control your life.  Please learn to be vulnerable enough to allow your life to take you to your natural internal happiness.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

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Accept and Take Control

October 24, 2008

Yesterday we took a closer look at the concept of acceptance.  Today we continue that look by learning how we empower ourselves when we accept a situation.  When we accept a situation we can take control of it.

 

Thankful Friday

Today I want to thank everyone on the planet for their efforts in improving themselves.  We do not always agree with the ways that people choose for their self improvement, but we must understand that they are choosing their path with their free will.  We learn by allowing the disagreement and learning from that disagreement.

 

As always, I would like to thank WordPress and FeedBurner for providing the free web site and the free distribution tools.  Thanks!

 

Acceptance is power

Yesterday we looked at the idea that when we are not accepting of a situation then we are in denial.  Denial comes from false self attachments, and attachments always cause pain.  When we are not accepting we are in pain.

 

Today we will look at the other side of acceptance.  Yesterday we saw what it can do to us.  Today we will look at what it can do for us.

 

As we saw yesterday, when we do not accept a situation we cannot change it.  Because we are not accepting we have no control of the situation.  The situation that we are denying always dictates to us.

 

However, when we accept a situation we now accept the control of the situation.  We may not always see the entire scope of a situation when we first accept it, but in time, that will become clear to us.  As long as we remain accepting of a situation we want to understand it completely.  That desire to understand will cause us to dig further into the situation to discover the complete situation.

 

What is control?

What do I mean by control?  In a situation we can never control anyone but ourself.  We may not like what other people are doing, but we cannot control them.  The best we can do to others within a situation is to attempt to influence them.

 

Influence is not the same as control.  The methods of influence are a different subject and will need to be addressed in a future post.  For now, let’s accept that when we are attempting to control others we are interfering with their free will.  We cannot control others within a situation; we should not attempt to do so.  Influence is all we should attempt.

 

How do we know when we are attempting to control rather than influence?  Knowing the difference between control and influence is something that we learn.  A good sign of attempting to control is when we try to force a situation.  Force usually comes from control.  Also, when we are attempting to force a situation it does not feel right.  Our internal guidance will tell us when we are forcing a situation rather than influencing it.

 

If you would like to know more about the difference between control and influence submit a comment.  We can start a discussion regarding this idea.

 

An example

I am sure we all have examples of a situation in which we empowered ourself when we accepted it.  I will submit to you a situation that helped me to learn about acceptance.  I learned a few lessons in how to take control of myself so that the others did not dictate my actions.

 

About twenty years ago I was living in upstate New York.  I was dating a woman who had visitation rights to her children on alternate weekends.  This was a standard arrangement except that the children lived two hours away from us in Rochester every other weekend.

 

This woman was still fighting the divorce with her ex-husband.  The divorce was finalized, but neither one of them could let it go.  The ex-husband was supposed to bring the children to my lady friend on Friday after work and he was supposed to pick them up on Sunday afternoon.  He made the four hour round trip from Rochester.

 

Unfortunately, he used the children as pawns to get his ex-wife upset.  He would show up late to pick up and drop off the children.  She would get upset and then get mad at him.  And the fight would continue.  Also, the uncertainty of when the children would arrive would upset any plans my lady friend and I would have.

 

After a few weekends of this behavior I decided to accept the situation.  I could not control any of the people in the situation.  I could only control myself and influence the others.

 

I decided that my lady friend and I would drive to Rochester to pick the children up on Friday and then drop them off on Sunday.  We were going to make the four hour round trip twice every other weekend.

 

At first my friend argued with me.  “He’s supposed to drive them and I am going to make him do it” was the initial response.  Gradually I was able to show her that her ex would continue to mess with her as long as she let him do the driving.  I influenced her to allow me to take control of an aspect of the situation.

 

We also influenced the ex-husband to be a bit more responsible because we caused him to have to keep his word about when the children would be exchanged.  We also influenced the children to be able to trust that there was some stability returning to their lives.  They were not as much at the whim of their parents’ moods as they had been before.

 

Did I attempt to control this situation?  No – I only attempted to control myself.  I controlled myself in that I made sure that I made the drive on Friday and Sunday every other week.  I made sure that I was on time and that I could be trusted to deliver the children safely.

 

This control of self came from an acceptance of the situation.  I accepted that the parents were going to continue to fight.  I accepted that the ex-husband would not be reliable regarding the punctuality of exchanging the children.  After the acceptance I took control of myself and the aspects of the situation that I could control.  From that acceptance and self control I was able to influence the others in the situation and gradually bring about a more workable situation.

 

Accept and take control

I hope you have seen the power of acceptance.   Acceptance is the first step in taking control of your life.  Acceptance is the path to true happiness.  Please see that when we are not accepting we are in denial and pain.  By accepting we take control of ourself and work towards our true happiness.

 

That is all for this week.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com