Keeping Score in a Relationship

January 16, 2009

Yesterday we heard how keeping score can keep us from being in the moment.  Today we will look at what happens when we keep score in a relationship.  How do we keep things balanced if we don’t keep score?  Read on to find out.

 

Thankful Friday

Today I will thank all of our new readers.  The blog stats have gone up significantly since the first of the year.  Thanks to everyone for taking the time out of your busy day to read what is written here.

 

As always we thank WordPress and FeedBurner for making the tools for this blog available.  They make it free for me to write and publish this and for you to read it for free.  Thanks WordPress and FeedBurner!

 

Keeping score equals expectations

A few months ago I was talking to a friend about forgiveness in her relationship.  She said that she had forgiven her partner but did not understand why this did not change anything with him.

 

I explained that forgiveness is done for ourselves.  When we forgive someone and hope they will change their behavior we are exhibiting expectations.  When we do something with expectations of a specific result then we are keeping score and not being in the moment.

 

This idea is very common in most personal relationships.  We made passing reference to some of these ideas in our series about understanding our family.  We often think a relationship is a direct exchange – if I do this for you then you must do this for me.  We keep score very carefully and very immediately.

 

When we keep score so carefully we are smothering our partner in so many of our expectations that we eventually ruin the relationship.  By keeping score we get so far out of the moment that we are no longer aware of who our partner really is.  We define them solely by whether they are keeping up to the score that we are hampering them with.  If the score doesn’t balance then they cannot care for us, or so we think.

 

Recommendation

Here is my recommendation to keep you in the moment and hopefully build a better relationship.  First – train yourself to not keep score.  This can be very difficult for many of us.  The idea that relationships must always balance is very ingrained in us.

 

Start to learn to do things just because you want to do them.  Do not expect anything from your partner because you have done something.  Give to your partner just because you want to.  If both of you give then there will always be enough to go around when someone needs to take something out.

 

Second – remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.  That was what you saw that you liked about them.  Do everything you can to make sure that you continue to appreciate those qualities.  It is always easier to find more things to dislike than there are to like.  Concentrate on the things that you like and don’t keep score of the things you don’t like about your partner.

 

Finally – observe you thinking by watching for signs that you are keeping score.  Keeping score is so common that we do not even recognize how many different ways that we do it.  Every time you see yourself keeping score remind yourself that will only lead to your unhappiness.  Gradually you will train yourself out of keeping score.

 

That is all for today.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

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Why We Find the Same People

November 7, 2008

Have you ever noticed that you always wind up in a relationship with the same kind of person?  How about when you notice that over long periods of your life you befriend the same type of person?  Today we will explore why this happens.

 

Thankful Friday

As is our custom on this blog we begin each Friday by expressing our thanks.  Today we start by thanking all of the citizens of the US who made the effort to vote on Tuesday.  The only way this democracy will survive will be by the active participation by everyone who is a citizen.  An active and informed citizenry will always protect their rights to express their freedoms.  Thank you for your participation.

 

Also this week we would like to thank all of our readers who make time in their busy schedule to read what we write.  The personal feedback that we get tells us that our efforts are being helpful to others.

 

As always, we thank WordPress and FeedBurner.  They provide the services that allow us to publish and distribute this blog for free.  Thanks WordPress and FeedBurner, keep up the good work!

 

Why do I keep choosing the same people?

Have you ever noticed that you always wind up in a relationship with someone who is pretty much the same as the last person with whom you had a relationship?  I don’t mean physical characteristics, although that can be a part of the puzzle.  I am talking about things like personality, outlook on life, and other personality traits.

 

For quite a long time I was dating women who had one or two sons.  I would meet them and not know anything about them.  We would go out on a date and we would start to talk.  They would always start to tell me about their son(s).  It got to the point that I was not surprised when they mentioned the sons that lived at home with them.

 

I am sure that many of you have had similar experiences.  You have met and dated people who had no apparent common physical trait.  As you got to know them they all appeared to have a common personality trait.  Why does this happen?

 

John Bradshaw

About twenty years ago I watched a videotape of a lecture by John Bradshaw.  I do not remember the name of the tape or if it is still available.  (Disclaimer: I have no financial or any other relationship with John Bradshaw.)

 

In this lecture Mr. Bradshaw gave an excellent explanation of why we are attracted to the same kind of people.  The example is to imagine yourself at a cocktail party in Moscow.  You know no Russian.  All around you people are speaking Russian but you cannot understand them – you only speak English.

 

There is a small group of people far away across the room.  You can barely hear their conversation over all the Russian being spoken near you.  However, you begin to hear fragments of English floating across the room.  Because your can only understand English you immediately recognize your language.

 

It does not matter that they are far away.  It does not matter that their conversation is barely distinguishable above the louder conversations near you.  You have heard the vibration of a language you speak because it was intelligible to you above all of the other sounds.

 

What do you think you do once you have recognized a conversation in your language?  Of course – you go over there and get involved in what is being said.  Finally you have found someone who speaks your language!

 

OK – so how does this apply to relationships?

The explanation that Mr. Bradshaw gave was that we behave the same way with our emotional energy.  Instead of hearing a spoken language across the room we find someone who speaks our emotional language.

 

We are not aware that this happens.  All we know is that we went to a party and met someone who was very much like other people we have dated previously.  The question becomes how did we pick that one person out of all the other people at the party?

 

The only answer that I have heard that makes sense is the one provided by Mr. Bradshaw.  Without understanding what is happening, our emotional energy resonates with their emotional energy just as if it were a conversation.  I guess we could look at it like it were a conversation of emotions.

 

So what?

This was not meant to be a discussion of a life changing insight.  I just wanted to share a minor idea with our readers.  What I have done with this idea is to realize that I really do become attracted to the same type of person.  When this happens I am able to understand that it has happened again.

 

Are we supposed to change our actions?  Not necessarily.  The point here is not to get people to change anything – just to add a new perspective.  If you are attracting unhealthy relationships then this might help you to understand one of the reasons why that is happening.

 

Otherwise, I just hope that you connect this with our discussion of observation this week.  As you stand on your balcony and observe your behavior this is just one more thing to help you understand why you are hanging around with the people that are around you.

 

That is all for this week.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Relationships – Putting It All Together

October 31, 2008

How do all of these ideas apply to how we live our relationships?  Today we will attempt to bring some of the theory into practice.  Let’s see how all these ideas can be used in our daily life.

 

Thankful Friday

As is our custom on this site we take a minute on Friday to thank those around us.  Today I would like to thank all of my friends who have been supportive of me over the years.  I also would like to thank all of our readers who make the effort to read this column.  You readership is what keeps us going.

 

As always we thank WordPress and FeedBurner for making this site possible.  They make the web space available and distribute the content for free. Thanks WordPress and FeedBurner!

 

True self and relationships

Yesterday we took a look at a few of the links between being in the moment, acceptance, and unconditional love.  Today we will look at true self and how we approach relationships when we are being our true self.

 

In August we spent a lot of time talking about the differences between true self and false self.  Please go to the blog archives for August of 2008 to find these articles.  They will provide a great deal of background.  You can find them in the column just to the right of this post.  Look for “Blog Archives”, click the arrow, and select “August 2008.”

 

True self does not need a relationship

One of the points we made about true self is that true self is very comfortable being independent.  When we are living from true self we do not feel dependent on anyone else.  We do not “need” anyone else.

 

It is nice to have other people around.  It is nice to share with others, but true self never feels that we need anyone else.  True self knows that if we need something we can go and get that something by ourself.

 

Let’s look at some of the reasons that are commonly accepted for why we have relationships:

 

  1. We need someone to complete us.  Sorry – true self knows that we are fine all by ourself.  We do not need anyone to fill in any imagined holes in who we think we are.
  2. We need someone to love us.  Sorry again.  As we showed yesterday, until we learn to accept and love ourself unconditionally we cannot fully love anyone else unconditionally.  The interesting thing is that when we learn to love ourself we realize that we “need” no other love.  It is nice for someone else to love us, but we do not “need” it.
  3. We need someone to share our life with.  Once again, not so.  When we are living as our true self we are complete.  We also accept ourself.  If we find someone to share that with – fine.  If not – fine also.  True self looks at a relationship as an extra for that lifetime, not a requirement.
  4. We need someone because we can’t do it all by ourself.  As we have stated in previous discussions of true self – true self can do what ever it decides to do.  True self does not “need” anyone else.  False self does not have much confidence.  It is the one that thinks it needs a relationship so that it has someone to do things for it.
  5. We need a relationship to bring children into the world.  True self quickly recognizes that this idea is backwards.  We must build the relationship first.  Once that is solid then we can think about bringing children into the world.  If you really want to raise children there are many alternate choices such as adoption or volunteering with a group that works with children.

 

Just a few

These are just a few of the reasons why we think we need to have a relationship.  They are all false self behaviors.  The bottom line is that true self realizes that this is just one of countless physical lifetimes.  True self realizes that having a personal relationship in this lifetime is not the reason that we came to this planet in the first place.

 

Unfortunately, we do not see that having a relationship frequently keeps us from doing what we came here for.  Too often we get involved with the drama of a relationship. We wind up spending most of our life attempting to maintain that or another relationship.  In the end, we never understand we way came here in the first place.

 

The social pressure

So far, most of the things that I have said in today’s column fly in the face of all the social pressures about relationships.  Let’s take a look at a few of those pressures.

 

You are somehow inferior if you do not have a relationship.  I look at this one as the unhappy wanting to drag the happy down to their level.  This is clearly a false self idea because we know that true self needs no one else.

 

You are not doing your part if you are not having children.  Our parents want us to have children so that they can have grandchildren.  Yet they never think about what we really want.  Once more, a false self way of thinking.  Besides, aren’t there enough children on the planet already?

 

You are not happy unless someone loves you.  This is true, but not in the way this idea is usually expressed.  We are not happy unless we love ourself.  Once we have that, we do not care if someone else loves us.  When we go looking for that love from someone else we are on a doomed mission.  We are trying to make false self happy by proving that someone loves it.  As we have said before, we can never prove anything to false self.

 

Dealing with the social pressure

We all understand the difficulty of dealing with social pressures.  Our society has become so focused on relationship issues that we come under great pressure to conform our ideas about relationships to societal norms.

 

I have one question that I ask myself when I experience that conflict.  “Do you want to be like everyone else or do you want to be happy?”  It is really that simple.

 

We are constantly faced with the choice between living as true self and the social pressure towards living as false self.  Gradually we learn that making the choice to live as false self always brings unhappiness.

 

We may not yet understand it, but there are many other people who have faced this choice and chosen for true self.  As we make our choice for true self we gradually find those others who have made the same choice.  We realize that we are not alone.  Once this happens it becomes much easier to make the choice for true self.

 

That’s all for this week.  I wish everyone a safe and happy weekend.

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

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Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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So What Makes a Good Relationship?

October 30, 2008

In the last few months we have looked at some of the concepts that are part of relationships.  We have looked at how to deal with our family, the concepts of love and acceptance, and that being in the moment is how we express our unconditional love.  Today we start to take a look at how these fit into our relationships.

 

Disclaimer

I have never held myself out as a relationship counselor.  I am not qualified or licensed as a professional counselor of any sort.  In my remarks I am not attempting to give anyone specific advice on how to resolve their current relationship problems.  I am only attempting to share my perspective about some of the factors that need to be a part of a mutually beneficial personal relationship.

 

Not my fault

Like most of you who are reading this post, I have had my problems with personal relationships.  When I was young all those problems were because of other people.  I could not imagine that I could have done anything that caused a relationship problem.

 

As I travelled my spiritual path I started to realize that I had a lot to learn about relationships.  Gradually I started to understand more about myself and what factor I played in my relationships.  I started to see that my level of spiritual understanding played a major role in my understanding of my relationships.

 

Ideal vs. real

What I observed was that there were many situations in which I unsuccessfully attempted to apply my spiritual understanding to my relationships.  I thought that if I explained where I was coming from spiritually that the other person would understand and everything would be OK.  Does this sound naïve to you?  Gradually I accepted my naïveté.

 

What I saw was that I was attempting to impose an ideal structure but not accepting the reality of the situation.  I thought that my spirituality would be understood and accepted by my partner in the relationship.

 

After having my hopes for an ideal relationship bashed several times, I decided to stand back and think about things for awhile.  To a degree, I am still thinking about my understanding of relationships.  However, I feel comfortable that I am far enough along to share some of those understandings with you.

 

Some tips – commitment

Both my personal experience and observation of others tell me that it can be very difficult for individuals of differing levels of commitment to form a happy relationship.  What seems to happen is that one person is hopeful that their commitment to their spirituality will rub off on the other person.

 

I do not think that the level of spirituality is that important.  The commitment to the spirituality seems to be the determining factor.  When both individuals are similarly committed they accept the differences in spiritual understanding.

 

The commitment helps them understand that the difference in level can be used for learning and growth rather than as an impediment.  In fact, if they were to view the difference in spiritual understanding as an impediment they could possibly be exhibiting false self behavior.  An equal commitment to personal growth and increasing understanding will help people bridge the gap between the amount that each one understands.

 

Another tip – being in the moment

We keep talking about the importance of being in the moment.  As we have said before, there is nothing more important than for us to be learning.  Being in the moment is where we find our true happiness, express our unconditional love, and truly begin to understand ourself.

 

In a relationship when we are in the moment we learn to get past the disagreements that always occur – even in the best of relationships.  Being in the moment is how we remain objective and refrain from getting involved in the petty squabbling that characterizes too many relationships.

 

And, as we learned yesterday, being in the moment is the only time we can truly express our unconditional love.  What is more important to a personal relationship than expressing our unconditional love?  The only time this can happen is when we are in the moment.

 

Another tip – acceptance

Yesterday we also talked about the idea of acceptance.  We have also written several posts on acceptance in the past few weeks.  Just like being in the moment there is a link between acceptance and unconditional love.

 

Unconditional love can only come from acceptance.  When we are not accepting we attempt to see the situation as being different than it actually is.  When we engage in this behavior we cannot express unconditional love.  The love we express will be based on our desire to see the situation differently than it actually is.

 

This usually means that we express our love either in response to a previous situation or because we want something in return in the future.  That is clearly conditional love.  Unconditional love comes only when we accept our partner and the situation as they are – with no conditions.

 

That is all for today.  Tomorrow we will continue to take a look at applying these concepts in our relationships.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

Subscribe

 

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Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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Simplify Our Life – Family Review

September 26, 2008

This series of posts has turned out to be an eye opener.  Today we will review the last week of posts about choosing our family.  As I have said – I originally thought this would be one post.  Then I realized all the background that would be necessary.  Today will be more or less the original post that I had planned last week.  But first…

 

Thankful Friday

This week I am thanking all the readers who are sharing this blog with their friends.  I can tell from the statistics that this site is benefitting from our readers referring their friends to it.  Now if we could only get a few people to comment we could start a discussion thread.

 

As always we thank WordPress for providing the free web site.  We also thank FeedBurner for their efforts to distribute the daily updates by email and RSS feeds.  Thanks!

 

Review

We started this series of posts over a week ago when we started to look at the idea of simplifying our life by choosing the people we want in our life.  This idea quickly became a week long series in which we heard about functional and nonfunctional families, how to examine our family, strategies for dealing with non-supportive members of our blood family, and finally why it is important to choose our family.

 

Today we will step through those ideas in one continuous flow.

 

The steps – Functional families

Our first step in simplifying our lives through our family is to understand functional and nonfunctional families.  We recognize a functional family because the members are mutually supportive.  They are truly interested in the learning and growth of each member.

 

Although there is a leader in the functional family, that leader is supportive rather than authoritative.  The hallmark of a functional family is that it breaks up and reassembles easily when one member decides to leave.  The functional family knows that each individual must pursue their own path of learning and growth.  Any member returning to the family is welcomed with open arms and with no strings attached.

 

The nonfunctional family usually has one or two authoritative members that dominate the family.  The other members adjust their behaviors to compensate for the authoritative individuals.  These interlocking false self behaviors allow the family to achieve a delicate stasis that falls apart when one member leaves the family.  The house of cards that is the interlocking behaviors falls apart and the members of the family blame the one who has chosen to leave for causing all the pain.  The members of the family frequently do not allow this individual to return to the family without a lot of blame and/or many strings attached.

 

Examine your family

The next step is to examine your family.  Most families are not totally functional.  Nor are there that many families that are completely dysfunctional.  Most families have characteristics of each.

 

Examine your family and attempt to understand where it is functional and where it is nonfunctional.  This will help you in understanding how to choose which members of the family, if any, from whom you need to separate.

 

Deal with the non-supportive members

After you have examined your family you will most likely have found a few members with whom you have a very painful relationship.  These relationships are painful because you cannot find a way to be mutually supportive of each other.  Many times this is because the other family member will not accept you for who and what you are.

 

When the pain becomes too great we realize we must separate from the relationship.  Remember that they will most likely blame you for hurting them when you make the separation.  You must remember that you cannot hurt their true self.  Only their false self can be hurt.  When they blame you for the hurt it is their false self placing the blame.  You are only separating from their false self.  You can never separate from their true self.

 

Accept the pain in the other relationships

There will be other relationships with members of our family that we want to maintain.  However, these relationships will also have pain in them.  In these relationships we are choosing the pain because the relationship is valuable enough to us that we can accept the pain.

 

The important point here is to understand our reason(s) for maintaining the relationship.  Eventually the pain of the relationship will become so great that we will ask ourself “Why am I doing this?”  Your answer must be immediate.  You must know why you are choosing the pain.  Otherwise, you will begin a downward spiral of blaming the family member for your pain.  That will not be good for you or the relationship.

 

Choose your real family

Since we are making the choice about which of our blood family members we want in our life, why don’t we just create a new family?  Once we have learned some of the techniques to deal with our blood family relationships we can apply them to a new family.

 

By choosing who we want in our new “chosen” family we are simplifying our life.  We no longer have to deal with people that are not supportive of us.  We choose to cultivate only those close relationships that are mutually beneficial.   We create a small circle of people with whom we can relax, relate, and truly enjoy. 

 

We choose for our true happiness when we choose only those relationships that help us learn and grow.  These are two way relationships and those in our new “chosen” family are learning and growing because we are helping them on their paths.

 

You may say that I am a dreamer but I know I am not the only one.  I hope some day you will join us and the world will be as one.

 

John Lennon

 

That’s all for this week.  We are expecting a wet, windy, and cold coastal storm in the northeast US this weekend.  It looks to be a weekend of watching movies and maybe some cooking projects.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

Subscribe

 

Don’t miss any updates.  Get daily posts by email.  Subscribe to this blog by clicking here: SUBSCRIBE

 

This email list is maintained by FeedBurner, a subsidiary of Google.  I hate to receive spam and advertisements in my email.  I will never sell your email address for such purposes.

 

Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com

 


Simplify Our Life – Functional Families

September 19, 2008

Yesterday we looked at simplifying our lives by choosing our friends carefully.  Family is a bit different matter and much more emotional.  However, many of us choose family over our true happiness.  Today we will look at some ideas to help us understand this choice.

 

But first…

 

Thankful Friday

As is our custom here we take a moment each Friday to thank those around us.  This week I would like to thank those who have given me encouraging feedback about what I am writing.  I thank you for taking the time to read this site and to offer your feedback.

 

As always we thank WordPress and FeedBurner.  They provide the free tools that make this site possible.  Thanks!

 

The nonfunctional family

To start our understanding of why false self is so attached to its family we must first look at the structure of the family.  When we look at most families we do not find a strong influence of true self.  There are many signs of this.  We see issues like a controlling and authoritative parent, a required strong commitment to a religious or political ideology, physical or psychological abuse, and substance abuse.

 

All of these behaviors come from false self.  This is by no means a definitive list, but it covers the most common issues that face families.

 

The way the family adjusts to these issues determines whether not it is a functional family.  In a nonfunctional family it is usually only a few members who have any one of the behaviors listed above.  The others learn to cope with the extreme false self behavior.  Rather than bring it to the attention of the one exhibiting the behavior they keep quiet and try to get along.

 

Let’s take the case of a domineering, controlling, and authoritative parent.  In this example only one of the parents exhibits this behavior.  The spouse most likely began to cope with this type of behavior before there were any children in the family.  The children learned to cope with the behavior as they grew up.

 

Is everybody happy?

Is anyone in this family really happy?  I would suggest that they are not.  The authoritative parent is not.  They are clearly coming from false self and as we have repeated, that is never a happy place.  The spouse and the children are not happy because they must repress their true self so that they do not anger the controlling parent.  Every time they strongly express any true self behavior the false self of the controlling parent views this as a threat and punishes the behavior.  Eventually everyone learns to live in fear of the controlling parent.

 

The final test of a nonfunctional family is what happens when someone needs to leave the family.  Over time the spouse and children of the nonfunctional family have learned to balance each other to keep a sense of stability in the family.  This is not true stability because it is coming from the balancing of their false self behaviors against the false self behavior of the controlling parent.

 

This apparent stability is more like a house of cards that is in a delicate stasis.  Because all the false self behaviors are linked to each other, if one person decides they need to get away from the situation to understand themselves – the whole house of cards comes down.  As it comes down everyone in the family blames the one who chose for their true self as the cause of all the pain.

 

This is not a pretty picture, but how many of us encountered a similar situation as we chose to pursue our spiritual path?  That is why I have felt the need to write about this.  Choosing for the false self based family is one of the most common reasons people never choose to listen to their true self.  At least it is that way in my experience.

 

The functional family

The functional family may not recognize that they are making choices for their true self.  They probably don’t see this.  What they understand is that they are truly happy.

 

Here are some of their behaviors that are different from the nonfunctional family.  They encourage each person in the family to learn what is important to them.  They actively support what each person wants to do as much as is possible.  The functional family wants each person to travel their own path of discovery.  In a functional family you hear “I don’t understand why you want to do that, but I will help you in whatever way I can.”  This is said with utter sincerity.

 

In a functional family the children are not told to be doctors, lawyers, or whatever the parents think they should be.  Children are not forced to participate in sports in which they have no interest.  No one cares.  As long as the child is happy, not destructive of themselves or others, and is passionate about learning – nothing else is really important.

 

A functional family does not force any religious or political ideologies on its members.  The family is strong enough to have any and all beliefs questioned.  The family understands that all ideas need to be examined on a regular basis.  If our understanding evolves, then our ideas should evolve.  A lively discussion of opposing ideas without personal rancor is a sure sign of an open minded family.

 

Finally, the functional family only wants happiness for each of the members.  The functional family does not push its members into unwanted personal relationships.  It does not determine the race, social stature, financial stature, or sexual orientation of its member’s personal relationships.  They know that happiness is more important than any of these.  If the person is not happy in the relationship then we help them understand their choice and help them back towards their true happiness.  We do not condemn them for choosing the wrong relationship with the wrong person.

 

Breaking up a functional family

Unlike the nonfunctional family that breaks up with much pain, the functional family breaks up and reassembles itself very easily.  A functional family is less likely to have interlocking false self dependencies.  The members of a functional family are much more likely to be acting from true self.  Remember, true self knows that it is complete in itself and does not need anyone else.  What do we care if a family member chooses to leave to pursue their goals?  All we want is for them to be happy in that pursuit.

 

The continuum

How many families are fully functional?  Not many.  How many families are totally nonfunctional?  Not many but more than those that are fully functional.  It is more like a continuum where most families exhibit some characteristics of a functional family as well as some from the nonfunctional family.

 

It all depends on which characteristics come into play for us as we relate to our family.  Other family members will have different experiences than ours.  Each family member experiences a different family.  We need to learn about how the family that we experience is affecting our choice for true self.  Not our sister’s choice, not our mother’s choice – our choice.

 

More on Monday

Today we have written the background for Monday’s post.  On Monday we will look at how to use these concepts of functional and nonfunctional families to simplify our relationships with our families.  Have a great weekend!

 

Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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Simplify Our Life – People

September 18, 2008

The more I understand my true self the more I realize how complicated we make our lives.  Those complications come from the way false self runs our lives.  The next few posts will look at some ways to understand why we have chosen to complicate our lives.  We will also learn how to begin to eliminate those complications from our lives.

 

False self does not want to be different

We have examined many aspects of how false self operates on this site.  One that we have touched on but did not explain in depth is that false self does not really want to be different.

 

In our previous summary of false self we heard about how false self is based entirely in fear.  Because it is so fearful one of its strong desires is to not appear different from those around it.  This means it wants to think like everyone else, have the same possessions as everyone else, and have the same relationships as everyone else.

 

Today we will start to look at how those fears create a complicated life.

 

Let’s start with the idea of relationships.  In this we are talking about all relationships from our intimate personal relationships to our short-lived social acquaintances.

 

False self wants to be accepted by other people.  False self is afraid of being rejected because that would invalidate its self image.  We looked at this in more depth in previous posts about false self attachments to people.

 

Most of the time false self wants to have other people around.  It is willing to put up with a lot of crap from those people because it wants very badly to be accepted.  For this reason, many times false self keeps in contact with other people just so it will not have to feel rejected.

 

Too many people can complicate our life

Some false selves develop to be basically antisocial.  They do not have to worry about too many people in their lives because they drive everyone out.  As in all things, there is a balance.  An individual with a false self like this needs to learn the balance of having no one in their life versus having the appropriate people in their lives.

 

Today we are hearing about individuals who have a false self with the opposite problem of balance.  They have too many people in their lives and have made that life overly complicated.  They need to learn the balance of having too many people in their lives versus having the appropriate people in their lives.

 

Because false self wants to hang on to people, we tend to collect people in our lives.  Over time this collection can take so much energy to maintain that we are not able to concentrate on what we really need to do.  We are constantly tripping over people that we recognize are not helping us to reach our goals, but we are “too nice” to move them out of our lives.

 

Many times we have allowed the false selves of these people to hang on to us for their support.  Now besides having our own false self issues to deal with we are taking on their false self issues.  We think we “have to help” or we are not being nice.  Because false self is afraid to lose someone from its circle of acquaintances it can take a long time to realize that we are indulging, not helping the other individual.

 

So now we have a collection of people that are hanging on to us for support while we are barely able to support ourselves.  What do we do?

 

True self wants those who are self supporting

For now we will look at some suggestions on how to deal with friends and acquaintances.  We will look at how deal with complications of family in tomorrow’s post.  Please submit a comment if you want to start to look at family issues now.  We can start the discussion immediately.

 

True self knows that we have objectives for this life time.  True self wants to help those around us whenever possible.  True self also knows that there has to be a balance between helping someone and that person wanting to help themselves. 

 

This can be a hard thing for false self to see objectively because false self does not want to lose people from its life.  More people equates to being more liked.  Why deliberately move people out of our life and have fewer people like us?  Or at least so thinks the so called false self logic.

 

Take a look at where you are on this question.  Are you keeping friends in your life that are not helping you towards your goals?  Are there friends in your life that take much more than they give?  Are there friends in your life that you wonder why you bother to maintain a friendship?  Are there friends in your life that “need” you?  Start to look at these friends like true self does.

 

True self looks at a friendship objectively.  The first question is whether or not the friendship is beneficial for true self.  If true self finds that there is a true caring, learning, mutual assistance relationship the question is a resounding yes.

 

If true self does not answer yes to this question then we look at whether or not we are able to help this person.  This is a subtle question because the answer appears to be yes – we can always help someone.  The subtle part of this question is does this person want to help themselves?

 

If someone does not want to help themselves then true self knows we are wasting our time.  All we can do is wait until we see an opening that might enable this friend to see that they do not really want to help themselves.  It is sad, but sometimes we must go about our business while others come to their understandings on their own.

 

The final analysis that true self makes is what to do with the relationship.  There can be several things that true self must balance to determine the appropriate action.  Is there a compelling reason to maintain this relationship?  Possibly this person is not quite ready to stand on their own and help themselves, but they are making steady progress towards that idea.  We might decide this friendship is worth maintaining awhile longer.

 

Another aspect that true self might look at is how much of a drain the friendship is on true self.  If there is not much in the friendship that complicates our life we might decide to maintain the friendship.  Each friendship is unique and should be considered by itself.

 

Am I saying to go and get rid of all our friends?  Of course not.  What I am saying is that we should start to look at the complications that we may have because of our friendships.  Once we see the complications then it is our responsibility to either accept them or learn to get rid of them.

 

It is not easy to ease friends out of our lives.  However, if they are acting as true self they will understand and will not care.  They will know that the friendship never really goes away and it will blossom again when it needs to do so.  If our friends are acting from false self they may get upset when we ease them out of our lives.  They may even blame us for their feeling hurt no matter what we do to help them understand that we must move on.  To me, this proves that I did not really want this person as a friend anyway.

 

That’s all for today.  Tomorrow we will get a feel for dealing with the complications of family in our life.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

Subscribe

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com