Simplify Our Life – Non-Supportive Family

September 23, 2008

I am sure some of you have been scratching your head and wondering what the last two posts have had to do with simplifying your life.  When I started writing about family I thought that I would be able to explain it in one or two posts.  Surprise!  It is going to take a total of five.

 

Simplify your blood family

In the last two posts we talked about our blood families.  We first talked about the idea of functional and nonfunctional families.  Then we learned about the need to examine our family.  If you have not read those posts please do so.  Reading them is pretty much a prerequisite for understanding this post.

 

Today we will look at a strategy for dealing with the results of our examination of our family.  This strategy is used when we need to get out of a non-supportive relationship.

 

We are accepted

As in all of our relationships we generally have different relationships with the different members of our blood family.  Some will totally accept us for who we are.  These are good relationships that we should attempt to maintain and nurture.  We need to accept these family members unconditionally in the same way they accept us.

 

When acceptance is conditional

Other family members will want to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  These relationships can be summarized with the phrase “if you were really my daughter and loved me you would call me more often.”   Substitute “daughter” for whatever relationship is appropriate for you.  Substitute “call me more often” for any behavior that fits the relationship.

 

These relationships based on conditional acceptance are always painful for us.  The base cause of the pain is that we are not being accepted for who we are.  We usually do not see that.  What we see is that someone is attempting to force us to do things that we do not want to do.

 

We don’t want to call our mother more often.  We don’t want to play baseball but we do so because it will make dad happy.  We don’t want to buy flowers for our sister’s birthday to prove to her that we love her.  We want to express our acceptance in our own way, but they force us to do it their way.  Then, if we do express our acceptance and caring in our own way, they conclude that we do not love them and blame us for hurting them.

 

You can see where this kind of relationship goes.  Over time we are more and more constricted in our behavior towards this relative.  We become more and more unhappy but do not want to hurt them.  This is how nonfunctional families perpetuate themselves.

 

The separation strategy

The first strategy that we will look at is the separation strategy.  This is the more drastic and more final solution.  The way this strategy works is that we commit to attempting to explain to the relative who is placing conditions on their acceptance of us that they are limiting us.

 

If at all possible we should avoid talking about how we are being hurt by them.  There are two reasons for this.  The first goes back to the idea that only the false self can be hurt.  When we talk about being hurt then we are exhibiting false self behavior.

 

The second reason that we do not talk about being hurt is that our relative will frequently respond by telling us how much we are hurting them.  “You think I hurt you? Let me tell you how much you hurt me!”  This conversation rarely is progressive or has a happy ending.

 

In the separation strategy we talk to our relative about how a relationship is limited when we accept someone only if they pass certain conditions.  We talk about how when we are more open with our acceptance we can more truly understand and like each other.

 

We also make a long term commitment to taking whatever time is required to make sure we have tried every possible way to explain ourselves to this relative.  What we are really doing is telling them that we cannot continue our relationship with them if they continue to put conditions on their acceptance of us.  Usually we do not actually say this to our restricting relative.  This is viewed as an ultimatum and detracts from the discussion.

 

We know that the relationship is too painful for us to continue unchanged.  We take whatever time we can devote and have as many discussions as we can before we choose to separate ourselves from the overly restricting relative.

 

As we separate ourselves we acknowledge to ourselves that we have done everything we can to explain our desire to build a healthy relationship with our relative.  We accept that at this time this relative is more interested in their false self behavior than in building a healthy relationship with us.  We accept them for where they are right now and vow to revisit the relationship whenever we think there might be an opening for us to continue our discussions about acceptance.

 

This can be very devastating to us when we determine that we must go forward with our lives.  We have to recognize that we did everything that we could to help our non-supportive relative to understand why we had to break off the relationship.  We have to understand that if they were coming from their true self then they would have no problem with the break up.  The fact that we had to temporarily break the relationship means that we could no longer allow their false self behavior to control what our true self needs to do.

 

All this can be very difficult to sort through while we are in the middle of it.  These are very emotionally charged situations.  This is precisely why we need to be training false self to listen to true self.  True self understands the importance of each of our relationships and is always able to determine which we need to maintain and which we need to suspend.  By listening to true self we can simplify our family relationships.

 

How is this simplifying our life?

Think about how much time and emotional energy we expend on our blood family relationships.  How much of that is in the mutually accepting and supportive category?  How much is in the dealing with conditional acceptance category?

 

Most of us spend a lot of time and emotional energy dealing with the conditional acceptance placed on us by our blood family.  Should we not turn this around and be spending more time and energy on the mutually accepting and supportive relationships?

 

By recognizing the non-supportive relationships we are simplifying our lives.  True self is determining to relate more frequently with those in our family who support us.  These supportive relationships rejuvenate us.  The non-supportive relationships only drain us.

 

We simplify our lives by first understanding the nature of our blood family relationships.  Next we learn to choose for the supportive relationships because they are beneficial to us and help us to simplify our lives.  No unnecessary time or energy is wasted on them.

 

That is all for today.  Tomorrow we will look at another strategy.  That one is called the “accept but cauterize” strategy.

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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Don’t Dwell on What You Don’t Have

September 17, 2008

Today I will explain a very valuable technique that I use to clarify my thinking.  When I need to attain something it is easy to say “if I only had…” as a means of resolving the issue.  Today we will look at a positive way to use the perspective of our true self to attain an objective.

 

Are you ready?  Let’s go!

 

Taking inventory

Have you ever noticed that when you want to achieve or attain something you get discouraged?  There are many reasons that cause this discouragement.  Today we will look at one, and hopefully start to learn to overcome it.

 

Watch your thinking process the next time you decide to do something difficult.  See if this happens to you.

 

Let’s say we deicide to buy a car.  For some of us this may be a simple process.  For others this can be a daunting task.  False self may immediately start taking inventory.  However, watch the inventory that false self discovers.

 

It will come up with things like you don’t have enough money for the down payment, you don’t have enough money for the monthly payment, and you don’t have enough money for the insurance.  The problem is that you haven’t even decided on which car you want.  False self has already given you a bunch of “problems” that you have to overcome.  You don’t want this inventory.

 

False self gives us more unwanted inventory as we proceed down the path of getting a car.  How long will we have to wait for the car?  Do they have it in our favorite color?

 

Those are borderline negatives.  However, one of the ones false self is sure of is that we have to buy a used car.  False self cannot stand the loss through depreciation that happens to a new car.

 

True self looks for ways to accomplish

When we take a look at the false self inventory described in the previous section we find that the items are mostly ways to keep from accomplishing our goal of buying a car.  For some reason that I do not understand, false self is always looking for the ways that we “can’t” get something done.

 

We can’t buy a car because we don’t have the money.  We can’t buy a car because they do not have it in our favorite color.  We can’t buy a new car because we will lose “a lot of money” through depreciation.

True self is not interested in the ways that something “can’t” be done.  We know that there are infinitely more ways that something “can’t” be done then there are ways to do something.  True self concentrates only on the ways to do something.  There is no need to waste our time convincing ourselves with reasons that do not lead towards our goal.

 

Let’s apply that idea to the false self inventory we created about buying a car.  Before we have even chosen a car false self thinks it does not have enough money.  It uses three ways to convince itself – money for the monthly payment, the down payment, and the insurance.

 

True self lumps all the money issues together and looks at them as one issue with three separate parts.  True self waits until after we have chosen and negotiated for the car to look at the money because the specifics are not available until that point.

 

False self is worried about the availability and the color of the car.  True self does not care that much about these “problems”.  True self knows that if there is one car that is the best solution, then waiting for that car to be available is appropriate.  True self may be able to live with a less than optimal color.  However, if the only color choices are absolutely hideous, then true self realizes that this just was not the appropriate car and continues the search process.

 

Finally, true self is not that concerned about losing money by the depreciation that happens when we drive a new car off the lot.  True self may prefer to pay the extra in advance so we can control the mechanical condition of the car. 

 

True self knows that the expensive things like engine, brake, and transmission repairs can be controlled through careful driving.  True self may prefer to control the way the car is operated than to take a chance on the unknown history of a used car.  True self may look at the big picture and decide that we will save on repairs later if we buy a new car now and then maintain it properly.

 

Use this skill

Remember to look at what you do have, not what you don’t have.  I cannot stress to you how important it is to learn this skill and use it in your daily life.  This could be one of the easiest ways to learn to have true self influence many aspects of your life.  As a project manager in the corporate world I used this concept to simplify my tasks.

 

I could accomplish a lot more than my fellow managers because I spent very little time on ideas that did not lead to our goals.  When I ran meetings I would not let the conversation turn to how we “can’t do it” or what we “didn’t have.”  I would turn the discussion towards what we did have and what we could do.

 

Try this technique for a few months.  I think you will see that it can make a difference in your attitude.  For an in depth discussion about how false self views possessions and how true self uses possessions please read the blog entries for August 18 and August 19 of 2008.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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To Thine Own Self be True

September 15, 2008

I was watching a movie this weekend and this famous quotation from Hamlet was used.  It started me thinking about how this might mean that we should listen to our true self and not our false self.  But first –

 

Welcome Back

I trust that everyone had a great weekend.  Over the weekend another major hurricane struck the gulf coast of the US.  Our thoughts are with those who are affected by this storm.  If we can be of any help please let us know how we can do so.

 

Another movie

As many of you know I am a cineaste – a movie enthusiast.  One of my great joys is to find a movie that I have not seen before that also contains a great message.  This weekend I found the movie “All That Heaven Allows”.

 

This movie was made in 1955 and among other things examines the conformist nature of society in that era.  The widowed female lead (Cary) begins an affair with a younger man (Ron).  Cary is from the country club set and Ron runs a tree nursery.  All of her friends belong to the country club.  She eventually finds that his friends come from all walks of life.

 

Cary knows that there is something unusual about her lover, but has not yet understood what that is.  The couple gets invited to a party hosted by Ron’s best friends.  These friends, a married couple, have known Ron for many years.  It is the woman of this couple who finally explains what is different about Ron.

 

To thine own self be true

As the two women are preparing for the other party guests they start to talk about the men.  The hostess explains to Cary that Ron lives by the phrase “to thine own self be true.”  The hostess went on to say that Ron finds his security from inside of him, not through his job or money.

 

This discussion triggered a deeper understanding in me.  I realized that Shakespeare must have been talking about finding true self.  Shakespeare was saying that we must be true to true self, not false self.

 

I admit that I have heard this phrase countless times and never made the connection.  When you talk about being true to yourself and finding your security within – what else can you be talking about?

 

On this site, how many times have we written about finding our happiness within?  How many times have we said that false self thinks it can find happiness through attachments to external objects, ideas, or people?  How many times have we talked about true self finding happiness by being in the moment?

 

When I find this type of connection I realize how many people have said similar things.  History, the arts, and spiritual teachings are each full of similar examples.  I guess we discover these insights as we are ready for them.

 

The important stuff

Let’s go back to our movie for a minute.  The hostess went on to tell Cary that Ron only paid attention to the important stuff.  “Ron absolutely refuses to allow the unimportant things to become important.”

 

What a wonderful description of true self.  True self knows that all the things that false self wants to get caught in are truly unimportant.  You know – things like attachments to objects, fears, and the general pettiness that is false self.

 

We have not spent much time on the idea of simplifying our lives.  That is an oversight on my part.  I plan to write on this idea soon, but here are a few ideas about simplifying our lives.

 

To put it briefly, false self makes a lot more out of things than is necessary.  It makes mountains out of mole hills.  Because it has such a dislike for itself it has to aggrandize things to prove that it is important.  It justifies its stature by comparing itself to things that are big, important, influential, and generally of great magnitude.  It thinks that it will bask in the glory of these things and prove it is worthy of respect.

 

True self does not need complicated or grandiose things.  True self does what is necessary and does not care what any one thinks.  True self knows that by making something complicated we only take time and energy from another important task that needs to be accomplished.  True self will do whatever necessary to perform a required task, but has no desire to make the effort greater than necessary.

 

See the movie

I have provided a link to an online synopsis of the movie “All That Heaven Allows”.  It is an interesting study of a relationship wherein the individuals are at different levels of understanding the concepts of true self and false self.  They encounter many experiences that we all bump into as we travel our spiritual paths.  Please post your thoughts about this movie after you have seen it.  I am very interested in your insights.

 

The movie is available through Netflix.  You can also find it on cable TV.  Set your TiVo to record it.  I have no affiliation with TiVo or Netflix.  I just find them to be very useful.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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The Impossible Dream

September 12, 2008

Yesterday we looked at our hands as a metaphor for the internal conflict that can happen as we begin our spiritual growth.  Today we continue that metaphor and reach for the stars.  But first…

 

Thankful Friday

Our custom is to take a moment each Friday to thank those around us.  Today we thank the member of our Tuesday discussion group who has found the writings on this site to be helpful.  We hope that what is written here helps people.  This confirmation helps us to know that we are proceeding in a way that others find beneficial.

 

Next we would like to thank our new email subscribers.  We are experiencing a gradual growth in our subscriber list.  Anyone who would like to receive the daily update in their email can click here:  SUBSCRIBE

 

As always we end with thanks to WordPress and FeedBurner.  They provide the free tools that make this site possible.  Thanks!

 

The impossible dream

When I was growing up there was a Broadway show called “Man of La Mancha”.  It was made into a movie in 1972.  Unfortunately the movie was not as good as the original Broadway production, but it is what is available.

 

A few weeks ago I was watching this movie and realized that there could be a metaphor for the concepts of true self and false self contained therein.  You know these concepts – we talk about them all the time.

 

The more I watched the movie the more it seemed that Don Quixote was attempting to see through the illusions and deal with people as their true selves.  In the course of the movie he was portrayed as being crazy because he was substituting his attempt at clear sight for the illusions that those around him believed in.

 

Back in the day, one of the iconic songs from this movie was “The Impossible Dream.”  If you click on the link you will go to the lyric of the song.

 

As I listened to the song I realized that it was describing the quest upon which we embark when we seek our true happiness.  Let’s take a look at a few lyrics to illustrate this point:

 

“To fight the unbeatable foe” – is this the conflict between true self and false self?  False self wants us to believe it is dominant and that it will be in charge no matter what we do.

 

“To run where the brave dare not go” – what can be more brave than taking on our false self?  So many of the people around us just give in and accept false self.  Who are the brave few that take the risk of finding true self?

 

“To try when your arms are too weary” – those who find their true happiness are those who never give up.  No matter how tired they get they pursue their quest because they know that their true happiness depends on the outcome.

 

“That my heart will be peaceful and calm when I am laid to my rest” – to me this is obvious.  He knows that his happiness comes from the quest and that his peace and happiness are the result of that pursuit.

 

“And the world will be better for this” – he knows that those around him do not understand his quest.  He also knows that the world will be better because of his quest.  One person striving for their true happiness may inspire others.  The only choice is to persevere.

 

“The unreachable star” – life is a journey, not a destination.  We never reach a full understanding of our true self.  We reach for that star, but we never get there.  The journey is the reaching.

 

On the other hand

Ok – so what does all this have to do with yesterdays post “On the Other Hand”?  Remember how we talked about our right hand holding our new spiritual understandings?  Remember how we talked about the right hand pulling us towards our true self?

 

As I was thinking about that image I also saw the end of the movie, “Man of La Mancha.”  As the cast is singing “to reach the unreachable star” they have their hands raised over their heads.

 

The image I saw next was that we are all reaching for the unreachable star.  We all have our right hand raised above our heads and we are all being drawn forward on our quest for the impossible dream of finding our true happiness.

 

Can you see yourself doing this?  Right now, reach your right hand above your head.  See all of your dreams of true happiness in that right hand.  Now watch as your body reaches for true self.  Also notice that true self is pulling you up.

 

Now let go of what ever is in your left hand.  That is what is holding you back.  That is your unhappiness.  That is why you are getting torn.  True self is pulling you – false self is holding you back.

 

Let go and reach for that unreachable star.  You can do it.  I know you can.

 

Have a great weekend! Until Monday –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

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© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

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On the Other Hand

September 11, 2008

Last week I participated in a discussion where one of the participants was struggling to accept the spiritual awakening they were experiencing.  Today we will look at some ideas that can help us to balance our spiritual awakening with our existing beliefs and behaviors.

 

Email distribution

For some unexplained reason the email distribution for Tuesday did not go out on schedule.  The post was uploaded in time and the RSS feed even updated correctly.  The post for Tuesday was picked up and included in the email distro for Wednesday, so that became a two for one.

 

As I have said many times before, FeedBurner is a free service.  Most of the time they do a great job.  They have an occasional hiccup, but since none of us are paying anything we must accept the occasional outage.

 

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On the one hand

I was a part of a discussion last week where someone was struggling with some new understandings.  They were saying that they heard a lot of truth in what was being discussed and they were being drawn to that truth.

 

However, this individual was being torn by their current beliefs and behaviors.  Most of us experience the same conflict as we begin to travel our spiritual path.  We have an existing way of living that we think we know.  For some reason we have become unhappy with that life and are searching for something else.  When we find something that resonates with us we can get torn between the two.

 

Today we will look at an example of how to begin the resolution of this internal conflict.  An approach that I have used is to start by placing both hands in front of you.  Imagine one hand – let’s say the right hand – as holding the new understandings.  Imagine the left hand as grasping your current understandings and behaviors.

 

Let’s take a look at the left hand first.  In that hand you have your current understandings of spirituality, religion, your relationships, your family, and your possessions.  Whether you realize it or not, your unhappiness is also in your left hand. 

 

At one time we all thought that everything we ever need would be in this hand.  After all, what more do we need?  We are trained from birth that we do not need anything more than family, religion, possessions, and relationships.

 

Let’s look at the last item in our left hand – our unhappiness.  If everything we needed was in our left hand then unhappiness would not be there.  But because that unhappiness is there we have decided to look outside of that hand.

 

On the other hand

The reason that there is something in our right hand is because of the unhappiness we found in our left hand.  Somewhere we sensed that the unhappiness was strong enough to cause us to look for something else.  That something else became our newly found spiritual path.

 

We have begun to travel that path and have discovered a lot of things that will not fit in our left hand.  We put those discoveries in our right hand and start to ask ourselves what to do with them.  Many of these new understandings are clearly in conflict with what is in our left hand.

 

The problem is that these new understandings resonate very strongly with us.  That resonance is so strong that we know that we cannot drop these new understandings from our right hand.  Now we are being pulled very strongly by the attraction to our right hand.  Yet we are attached to the familiar and comfortable things in our left hand.  No wonder we feel torn between the two.

 

What to do, what to do

The resolution of this feeling of being torn can be a challenge.  There can be many steps, but we will start with the first step.  I am sure that this topic will come up again in future posts.  Anyone who wants to discuss this topic further can make a comment on this post and we can begin the discussion immediately.

 

Here is how I solved the internal conflict between my left and right hands.  It took awhile, but I eventually I came out the other side much more peaceful and happy.

 

My first step was to acknowledge and accept the situation.  In my left hand I had a bunch of stuff that was familiar, but that was causing unhappiness.  In my right hand I had other stuff that was pulling me very strongly.  The stuff in my right hand seemed so truthful, yet I could not let go of what was in my left.

 

Eventually I accepted that my unhappiness was in my left hand along with all the other stuff.  I realized that it was that stuff that was causing the unhappiness.  This did not mean that I could let go of it easily.  It was just a realization, but no action had been taken.

 

Likewise I realized that the stuff in my right was leading me towards my true happiness.  Even though I could not yet let go of the stuff in the left hand, I could try to utilize some of the things in my right hand.

 

At first it was simple things.  Like beginning to see that happiness comes from inside, not outside.  Then I learned more about the true self and the false self.  I looked at what spirituality really is and I even started to understand that fear is a behavior that we learn.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  All these investigations did not happen immediately.  I was very attached to my existing beliefs and behaviors in my left hand.  I would merely dabble my right hand in the water of my new understanding to see what it was like.

 

Gradually I began to see that the only thing in my right hand was my true happiness.  Every time I went back to my left hand the only thing I found was my unhappiness.

 

It took many years of dabbling to convince me to let go of what was in my left hand.  After that it took more years of changing my behavior so that I was no longer holding onto what was in my left hand.

 

Eventually my right hand won and I am much more able to notice when my left hand is holding on.  I am also much happier.

 

Trust yourself

To summarize how to resolve the internal conflict that usually comes when we start on our spiritual path – trust yourself.  Your true self is in your right hand.  Your false self is in your left hand.  Trust that your right hand will guide you towards your true happiness.  After all, your left hand has never given you any happiness.  Why would it start to do so now?

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

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Email

You can email us directly at:  noahnow@yahoo.com

 

Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com

 


I Like Me – At Last

September 10, 2008

Last week at my usual Thursday afternoon discussion group we discussed an idea that I had not thought of in awhile.  This concept was a stumbling block for me for many years.  Hopefully this discussion will help you as well.

 

When we don’t like ourselves

Last Thursday we were visited by a woman who was struggling with a few personal issues.  One of the issues that she was dealing with was that she did not like herself.  This triggered my memories of the years that I struggled with the same issue.

 

I offered my perspective about this idea.  I explained that it took me many years to like myself.  Early on in my awakening my guide had explained to me how important it was to like myself.  He explained it over, and over, and over again.  To this day I marvel at his patience.

 

He explained many things that were a part of liking me.  First, until I accepted myself I would not be able to truly accept anyone else.  Next, until I accepted myself and all the “faults” that I saw I would not be able fix those faults.  Third, until I liked and accepted myself I would not find any true self confidence, only false self bluster.

 

The course of the discussion did not allow me to go into all of these details.  What I concentrated on were the ideas of how important it was to like yourself and how long it took me to learn to do so.  I mentioned that I knew I needed to learn to like myself, but that I just was not able to do so for a long time, which in itself added to the tensions.

 

Acceptance comes first

As my guide explained, the first step in liking yourself is to accept yourself just the way you are.  Do not say – “When I have more money I will like myself.”  Nor should we say “When I change this about me I will like myself.”  Take it from me, those things never happen.

 

If we wait until we have more money to like ourselves, that day never comes.  If we think a little money will cause us to like ourselves, then we think a lot of money will cause us to like ourselves even more.

 

If we think we will like ourselves only when we change something about ourselves first, then we will want to change something else before we like ourselves.  Then we will want to change something else, and we never learn to like ourselves because we keep thinking we have to change something first.

 

As we heard about in an earlier post, the idea of changing things before we can pursue our spiritual growth is an illusion.  Also, this is another example of looking for happiness in external situations.  We are saying that changing an external situation will make us happy enough to like ourselves.

 

The truth is we must find a way to accept ourselves the way we are right now.  We must acknowledge, all the warts, blemishes, and other “defects” that we see.  We do not have to like them.  We just need to accept them.  By accepting them we can start to change them.  When we do not accept them those warts and blemishes become the things that keep us from accepting ourselves as we are.

 

Start where you are

I know that this is a common theme through this post, but the idea needs to be repeated.  This aspect was very hard for me to deal with and caused me years of not liking myself.

 

For some reason I just could not accept myself the way I was.  I was very afraid of looking at and acknowledging my “faults”.  Deep inside I knew that they were there.  However, I just could not face the pain of admitting that they were there.  Unfortunately this denial caused me great additional pain over the years.

 

I kept looking for the silver bullet to change things so that I would like myself.  When I did not find the silver bullet I started looking for the magic wand.  Gradually I realized that the only silver bullet or magic wand was my unconditional acceptance of myself.

 

The technique

This took years, but I finally began – I started to look at and take responsibility for my perceived defects and flaws.  I am sure that there are more things that I need to accept about myself.  For now I am comfortable with my progress.  While learning to accept myself I learned a technique that might help you as it has helped me.

 

As always, these techniques involve self observation.  We have discussed the idea of observation in many posts on this site.  Please read a few of these posts to get a further understanding of this concept.

 

My technique for self acceptance is to observe when I am unhappy.  As we have discussed, unhappiness is a false self behavior.  When I notice that I am unhappy I ask myself why I am unhappy.  My causes for unhappiness are usually from some external situation.  Examples would be a dent in my car, not enough money, someone does not like me, etc.

 

When I find the external cause for my unhappiness I remember what happens when I point my finger.  I have three fingers pointing back at me.  This reminds me that my cause for unhappiness is internal, not external.  This cause is usually something that I do not like or have not accepted about myself.

 

Sometimes I quickly find what I am not accepting.  I put that on my list of things that I need to accept and start working on it as appropriate.

 

Sometimes I do not find it.  I recognize that I am unhappy, but I do not see the internal cause.  I note that as well.  That unhappiness will come around again and I have to be prepared for it.  Hopefully I will find the internal cause the next time.  In the long run it does not matter.  As long as I am truly open to finding the cause of the unhappiness I will eventually find it.

 

I hope that this technique will help you as it has helped me.  Please submit any questions or comments that you might have.  I would like to see how our readers use this technique for themselves.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

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The Compass vs. False Self

September 9, 2008

Review

For the last few days we have been learning to use my compass.  This is a tool that has been very helpful to me over the years.  Today we will look at how the compass can help us to recognize false self behavior.

 

Are you ready?  Let’s go!

 

The compass is true self

What I have done with the compass is to substitute the way that true self looks at existence for the false self illusions.  When we are first created, long before we are able to take a physical lifetime, one of the first things true self learns is why we were created.

 

If you think about it, shouldn’t we know why we are created?  Shouldn’t that also be something simple and easy to understand?  I keep repeating this, but what could be more simple and easy to understand?

 

The reason that we exist is to learn and grow and share that learning and growth with each other.

 

The only rule is that we do not interfere with the free will of another individual because that interferes with their ability to learn and grow in the manner that they choose.

 

Our true self learned this concept almost as soon as we were created.  We have lived our entire existence based on this idea.  We have used this as our guide during our countless lifetimes on other planets.  We have used this during the time that we are nonphysical and are not physically present anywhere.

 

The only time we do not use this principle on which we were created is when we follow what passes for decisions made by our false self when we are on this planet.  As we have stated in many previous posts, this is because we have not properly trained false self to listen to the guidance of true self.

 

The compass vs. false self

For the past month we have taken a long look at false self.  We have attempted to understand why we have a false self, recognize some of the false self behaviors, and explain different kinds of false self attachments.  There is a common thread that runs through all false self behavior.  That thread is that we are not reading our compass.

 

At first it can be very difficult to live our lives by taking readings from our compass.  Many of the ideas and behaviors that we take for granted are diametrically opposed to the compass readings.

 

False self thinks that it has to look after itself first before it can take care of others.  This is true, but not necessarily in the way that false self thinks it is.  False self thinks that if it helps someone else it has to give up or lose something.  False self is convinced that if it shares something with someone else that means that it no longer has what it shared.

 

Think about this for a minute.  If our primary purpose is to learn and then share that learning, how can there be a finite amount of learning?  Isn’t there always something more to learn?  When false self is afraid of losing something when it shares what it has learned – all it is doing is believing in an illusion.

 

There is an infinite amount of knowledge to be gained and there is nothing that true self can lose when it shares that learning.  False self is the only one worried about loss when anything is shared.

 

So much for the learning and sharing part of reading compass.  Let’s look at the part of the reading that talks about not interfering with free will.

 

False self interferes with free will all of the time.  Let’s look at a few situations where it is easy to see this in action.

 

False self is fearful and wants to change a situation so that the fear is eliminated.  One common way of changing the situation is to demand that other people change their behavior.  We find this deliberate interference in everything from our personal relationships, to our justice system and even in international relations.

 

This happens in our personal relationships when our spouse does something that causes us fear.  It may be that our possessiveness is triggered when they talk to someone else.  Possessiveness is just a false self fear.  Even though our spouse may find the conversation very helpful, we demand that they do not talk to this person again.  Our false self behavior – fear – has caused us to interfere with the way our spouse is choosing to learn.

 

In our criminal justice system this happens when we continue to punish individuals who have committed a crime and are attempting to learn form their mistake.  I am not saying that people do not make mistakes.  Neither am I saying that there are many people who do not want to learn from their mistakes. 

 

My point is that there are many people who do the crime, do their time, and then are punished for the rest of their lives.  When we create a justice system that does not make the effort to truly rehabilitate those who want to rehabilitate themselves we are interfering with the free will of those individuals.

 

The same is true for international relations.  When one country decides that it is afraid of another country it usually decides to punish the other country.  The punishments can range from economic sanctions to pre-emptive war.

 

The dispute is usually between the leaders of those countries, not between the citizens who make up the populations of the country.  By punishing the citizens of a country because of a dislike of their leader we are interfering with their free will to live the way they chose.  Who knows, given enough time and free will they might even get rid of their leader and chose one that we like.

 

Multiple levels

We have just seen how we can apply our compass to false self based fear.  These examples looked at several levels from the personal to the international.  They all share the same root.

 

False self based fear is not the only way that we trigger interference with the free will of others.  It is just one of the more common ways.  One of the ways we can learn to use the compass is to use it to read our relationships with those around us as well as our thoughts about the situations around us.  Whenever the compass tells us that we are interfering with the free will of other individuals we have found a very good indication that we are engaging in false self behavior.

 

That’s all for today.

 

Until tomorrow –

 

Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.

 

 

Discuss & Comment

We do not want this blog to be a fountain of words from one view point.  We welcome comments and questions.  Please feel free to ask a question or make a comment when the mood strikes you.

 

WordPress forces all comments to be moderated.  We usually check for comments at least twice a day.  So do not be surprised if it takes a few hours for you to see your comment.

 

Talk to us!  Post a comment or a question!

 

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Email

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Copyright

© Copyright 2008 by KanDu Associates, LLC 

 

The content of this blog is copyrighted by KanDu Associates.  All rights are reserved by the owner.  For reprint information please email:

 

noahnow@yahoo.com