Yesterday we heard how keeping score can keep us from being in the moment. Today we will look at what happens when we keep score in a relationship. How do we keep things balanced if we don’t keep score? Read on to find out.
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Keeping score equals expectations
A few months ago I was talking to a friend about forgiveness in her relationship. She said that she had forgiven her partner but did not understand why this did not change anything with him.
I explained that forgiveness is done for ourselves. When we forgive someone and hope they will change their behavior we are exhibiting expectations. When we do something with expectations of a specific result then we are keeping score and not being in the moment.
This idea is very common in most personal relationships. We made passing reference to some of these ideas in our series about understanding our family. We often think a relationship is a direct exchange – if I do this for you then you must do this for me. We keep score very carefully and very immediately.
When we keep score so carefully we are smothering our partner in so many of our expectations that we eventually ruin the relationship. By keeping score we get so far out of the moment that we are no longer aware of who our partner really is. We define them solely by whether they are keeping up to the score that we are hampering them with. If the score doesn’t balance then they cannot care for us, or so we think.
Here is my recommendation to keep you in the moment and hopefully build a better relationship. First – train yourself to not keep score. This can be very difficult for many of us. The idea that relationships must always balance is very ingrained in us.
Start to learn to do things just because you want to do them. Do not expect anything from your partner because you have done something. Give to your partner just because you want to. If both of you give then there will always be enough to go around when someone needs to take something out.
Second – remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. That was what you saw that you liked about them. Do everything you can to make sure that you continue to appreciate those qualities. It is always easier to find more things to dislike than there are to like. Concentrate on the things that you like and don’t keep score of the things you don’t like about your partner.
Finally – observe you thinking by watching for signs that you are keeping score. Keeping score is so common that we do not even recognize how many different ways that we do it. Every time you see yourself keeping score remind yourself that will only lead to your unhappiness. Gradually you will train yourself out of keeping score.
That is all for today. Have a great weekend!
Until Monday –
Es kava turen hai
We work towards an identical goal.
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