Have you ever noticed that you always wind up in a relationship with the same kind of person? How about when you notice that over long periods of your life you befriend the same type of person? Today we will explore why this happens.
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Why do I keep choosing the same people?
Have you ever noticed that you always wind up in a relationship with someone who is pretty much the same as the last person with whom you had a relationship? I don’t mean physical characteristics, although that can be a part of the puzzle. I am talking about things like personality, outlook on life, and other personality traits.
For quite a long time I was dating women who had one or two sons. I would meet them and not know anything about them. We would go out on a date and we would start to talk. They would always start to tell me about their son(s). It got to the point that I was not surprised when they mentioned the sons that lived at home with them.
I am sure that many of you have had similar experiences. You have met and dated people who had no apparent common physical trait. As you got to know them they all appeared to have a common personality trait. Why does this happen?
About twenty years ago I watched a videotape of a lecture by John Bradshaw. I do not remember the name of the tape or if it is still available. (Disclaimer: I have no financial or any other relationship with John Bradshaw.)
In this lecture Mr. Bradshaw gave an excellent explanation of why we are attracted to the same kind of people. The example is to imagine yourself at a cocktail party in Moscow. You know no Russian. All around you people are speaking Russian but you cannot understand them – you only speak English.
There is a small group of people far away across the room. You can barely hear their conversation over all the Russian being spoken near you. However, you begin to hear fragments of English floating across the room. Because your can only understand English you immediately recognize your language.
It does not matter that they are far away. It does not matter that their conversation is barely distinguishable above the louder conversations near you. You have heard the vibration of a language you speak because it was intelligible to you above all of the other sounds.
What do you think you do once you have recognized a conversation in your language? Of course – you go over there and get involved in what is being said. Finally you have found someone who speaks your language!
OK – so how does this apply to relationships?
The explanation that Mr. Bradshaw gave was that we behave the same way with our emotional energy. Instead of hearing a spoken language across the room we find someone who speaks our emotional language.
We are not aware that this happens. All we know is that we went to a party and met someone who was very much like other people we have dated previously. The question becomes how did we pick that one person out of all the other people at the party?
The only answer that I have heard that makes sense is the one provided by Mr. Bradshaw. Without understanding what is happening, our emotional energy resonates with their emotional energy just as if it were a conversation. I guess we could look at it like it were a conversation of emotions.
This was not meant to be a discussion of a life changing insight. I just wanted to share a minor idea with our readers. What I have done with this idea is to realize that I really do become attracted to the same type of person. When this happens I am able to understand that it has happened again.
Are we supposed to change our actions? Not necessarily. The point here is not to get people to change anything – just to add a new perspective. If you are attracting unhealthy relationships then this might help you to understand one of the reasons why that is happening.
Otherwise, I just hope that you connect this with our discussion of observation this week. As you stand on your balcony and observe your behavior this is just one more thing to help you understand why you are hanging around with the people that are around you.
That is all for this week. Have a great weekend!
Until Monday –
Es kava turen hai
We work towards an identical goal.
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