How do all of these ideas apply to how we live our relationships? Today we will attempt to bring some of the theory into practice. Let’s see how all these ideas can be used in our daily life.
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True self and relationships
Yesterday we took a look at a few of the links between being in the moment, acceptance, and unconditional love. Today we will look at true self and how we approach relationships when we are being our true self.
In August we spent a lot of time talking about the differences between true self and false self. Please go to the blog archives for August of 2008 to find these articles. They will provide a great deal of background. You can find them in the column just to the right of this post. Look for “Blog Archives”, click the arrow, and select “August 2008.”
True self does not need a relationship
One of the points we made about true self is that true self is very comfortable being independent. When we are living from true self we do not feel dependent on anyone else. We do not “need” anyone else.
It is nice to have other people around. It is nice to share with others, but true self never feels that we need anyone else. True self knows that if we need something we can go and get that something by ourself.
Let’s look at some of the reasons that are commonly accepted for why we have relationships:
- We need someone to complete us. Sorry – true self knows that we are fine all by ourself. We do not need anyone to fill in any imagined holes in who we think we are.
- We need someone to love us. Sorry again. As we showed yesterday, until we learn to accept and love ourself unconditionally we cannot fully love anyone else unconditionally. The interesting thing is that when we learn to love ourself we realize that we “need” no other love. It is nice for someone else to love us, but we do not “need” it.
- We need someone to share our life with. Once again, not so. When we are living as our true self we are complete. We also accept ourself. If we find someone to share that with – fine. If not – fine also. True self looks at a relationship as an extra for that lifetime, not a requirement.
- We need someone because we can’t do it all by ourself. As we have stated in previous discussions of true self – true self can do what ever it decides to do. True self does not “need” anyone else. False self does not have much confidence. It is the one that thinks it needs a relationship so that it has someone to do things for it.
- We need a relationship to bring children into the world. True self quickly recognizes that this idea is backwards. We must build the relationship first. Once that is solid then we can think about bringing children into the world. If you really want to raise children there are many alternate choices such as adoption or volunteering with a group that works with children.
Just a few
These are just a few of the reasons why we think we need to have a relationship. They are all false self behaviors. The bottom line is that true self realizes that this is just one of countless physical lifetimes. True self realizes that having a personal relationship in this lifetime is not the reason that we came to this planet in the first place.
Unfortunately, we do not see that having a relationship frequently keeps us from doing what we came here for. Too often we get involved with the drama of a relationship. We wind up spending most of our life attempting to maintain that or another relationship. In the end, we never understand we way came here in the first place.
The social pressure
So far, most of the things that I have said in today’s column fly in the face of all the social pressures about relationships. Let’s take a look at a few of those pressures.
You are somehow inferior if you do not have a relationship. I look at this one as the unhappy wanting to drag the happy down to their level. This is clearly a false self idea because we know that true self needs no one else.
You are not doing your part if you are not having children. Our parents want us to have children so that they can have grandchildren. Yet they never think about what we really want. Once more, a false self way of thinking. Besides, aren’t there enough children on the planet already?
You are not happy unless someone loves you. This is true, but not in the way this idea is usually expressed. We are not happy unless we love ourself. Once we have that, we do not care if someone else loves us. When we go looking for that love from someone else we are on a doomed mission. We are trying to make false self happy by proving that someone loves it. As we have said before, we can never prove anything to false self.
Dealing with the social pressure
We all understand the difficulty of dealing with social pressures. Our society has become so focused on relationship issues that we come under great pressure to conform our ideas about relationships to societal norms.
I have one question that I ask myself when I experience that conflict. “Do you want to be like everyone else or do you want to be happy?” It is really that simple.
We are constantly faced with the choice between living as true self and the social pressure towards living as false self. Gradually we learn that making the choice to live as false self always brings unhappiness.
We may not yet understand it, but there are many other people who have faced this choice and chosen for true self. As we make our choice for true self we gradually find those others who have made the same choice. We realize that we are not alone. Once this happens it becomes much easier to make the choice for true self.
That’s all for this week. I wish everyone a safe and happy weekend.
Until Monday –
Es kava turen hai
We work towards an identical goal.
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