What I (Don’t) Like About You

Yesterday we looked at what happens when we point a finger to blame an external cause.  That external cause of our unhappiness can be either someone or something.  We learned that when we point a finger we should look at ourselves as the first possible reason because there are three fingers pointing back at us.


Today we will look at what is actually happening when we point our finger of blame at someone else.  Are you ready?  Let’s go!


When we don’t like someone

This insight was explained to me many years ago.  I am the type that attempts to understand why everything works as it does.  Hopefully those types of insights and understandings are a reason why I am able to make some of my explanations in simple terms that are easy to understand.


However, I admit to being absolutely baffled about why this next principle works.  I have examined it for almost thirty years.  All I can say is that it works.  I have learned to use it, but if anyone understands why it works please let me know.


When we point our finger of blame at someone else we say that there is something in that person that causes us to dislike them.   Let’s say that we don’t like them because they are too pushy.


Our rationale then becomes that because they are too pushy we cannot get along with them.  Their being pushy gets us upset and we cannot think clearly when we are upset.


What I have learned is that when there is a character trait or behavior that someone exhibits that I do not like – it means that I do not like that about myself.  In the previous example it would be that I do not like myself when I am pushy.  This may sound counterintuitive, but it works.


Let’s repeat that.  What we do not like in someone else is just an indicator of what we do not like in ourselves.


Think about our example of pointing the blame finger.  We learned that the three fingers pointing back at us mean we need to look at ourselves first.  But what do we look at?  We look at what we want to blame about the other person.  That is what the three fingers are trying to tell us.  Look at ourselves first and blame ourselves first for what we want to blame the other for.


Don’t blame yourself

I am not really talking about blaming ourselves.  Truly there is no such thing as blame.  We will discuss that idea at a later time.  What I am really saying is to examine yourself first for what you do not like in others.  Take responsibility for exhibiting the same trait or behavior you dislike in others.


Chances are you will not see this trait or behavior in yourself at first.  When we have not yet learned the skill of self observation we find it strange when we look for something in ourselves that we dislike.


Learning how

Take it from me; I was once in that same position.  I was being told to learn to observe myself.  I was being told that what I did not like in others was something I actually did not like in myself.


These concepts rang true with me so I decided to try them for awhile.  It took me awhile to start to look at and understand what I did not like in myself.  However, I did start to recognize what I did not like in others.  That was easy.  I could very quickly make a long list of the things I disliked in other people.  It took me some time to realize that these were the things that I did not like about myself.


Gradually I realized that through self observation I was seeing the same things in myself that were on my list of what I did not like in others.  Finally I started to see the wisdom of this insight.


Overtime I learned that as long as I was blaming others for what I did not like in myself, I would never fix what I did not like about myself.  The light went on and I finally saw that when I fixed what I did not like in myself I no longer would care about what I did not like in others.


I forgave myself

So how did I deal with all these things that I did not like about myself?  I finally learned to forgive myself.  That may seem strange, but it is the process that worked for me.  Evidently I had built up a large list of things that I either disliked myself for or felt guilty about.  I blamed myself for all of those things.


With some urging from my guide and teacher I learned that I had no reason to be ashamed of myself.  Shame and guilt are false self behavior.  True self has nothing for which it needs to feel shameful or guilty.  Overtime true self forgave false self for its feelings of shame and guilt.


The real dividend from forgiving myself was that I quickly found that I much more easily forgave those around me.  After finally forgiving myself I saw that others were struggling with the same issues that I was.  I quickly became much more compassionate and learned to forgive the same behavior that I once disliked in myself.


Please learn to forgive yourself.  You will begin to lead a much happier life and you will have much better relationships with the people in your life.


That’s all for today.


Until tomorrow –


Es kava turen hai

We work towards an identical goal.



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